to resolve or not to resolve?

i have never been a big fan of making new year's resolutions. as long as i can remember. call it rebellion against the conventional or trying to be out-of-the-box or non-conformist or avoiding the trendy thing. possibly all of the above. and it's possible that in the last 3-5 years i hated the idea of making resolutions more than ever because i felt more despondent about my lack of progress in every aspect of life, so the idea of trying to set goals i might actually be accountable to overwhelmed me. luckily, i wore the rebellious-nonconformist-untrendy thing like a badge of honor which cleverly disguised my despondency. so so cunning.

about 3 years ago i wondered if maybe i hit my personal peak as a college student. athletically, intellectually, socially, and professionally i was a bright and shiny star of energy and potential as a 21 year old. aren't we all? it would forever be the measure against which i compared myself. as an adult, in my post-collegiate years, i felt overwhelmingly that i wasted all of that potential. i walked away from my dream of teaching in the inner-city because i was afraid to go out and pursue that dream alone. what kind of person does not fear danger but fears being alone? i've never been afraid of the conventionally terrifying things. but i was afraid to go after my dream. and that made me feel like a disastrous failure for years. i allowed my teaching certificate to expire, which felt like a stab in my heart after all of the hard work i put into earning that license. i gradually became squidgier and softer and less of a bad ass athlete, but no less competitive, which only made the pain of losing my athleticism more acute. my identity as "one of the guys", sporty-mendy, runner-girl was in jeopardy and i was floundering without my sense of self. i put more and more distance between myself and other people to shield myself from embarrassment, judgment, and the overwhelming compulsion to compare myself to others that seemed to be getting "it" right. damn the 21 year old mendy. she was making my life a misery, the memory of her.

i am fortuitous, however, to have a scrappy personality that is able to bend without breaking. i may not be a resolution-setter but i know how to put one foot in front of the other and walk uphill into a strong wind. the first "step" was getting my teaching license reinstated, second "step" masters program in special education, third "step" applying in KCK, fourth accepting the EBD teaching position at Washington High, fifth, 6th, 7th... opening myself up to dreaming again, to loving my students, to finding my "home" at Washington, learning from and befriending coworkers, leaning into the good things, completing my masters, and giving a damn about being better at my job everyday that i'm there. amazing what momentum that created for me.

next big step has been my journey this past year, reclaiming my sporty self. starting to run again and rediscovering that i'm actually pretty good at it! doing my first half marathon in almost 4 years and not allowing my progress to fizzle into smoldering embers the weeks after the race. getting stronger, faster, slimmer, more confident, less anxious about EVERYTHING.

so, no, i usually don't make new year's resolutions. i just try to make forward progress, however small the step. i'm generally pretty good at setting goals for myself throughout the year, short-term and long-term goals, professional goals, personal goals, goals for reading, goals for cooking goals for dressing better for work, goals for making it to that next block on a run, goals for running 5 miles, 6 miles, 8 miles without stopping, goals to not look at the clock when running on the treadmill or not look at the clock when at work, goals for positive interactions with students, redefining my goals when i've failed, reevaluating the appropriateness of the goal... i make a lot of goals. so if you must know, i resolve to continue with the same progress that i've been on for the past year. i resolve to reinstate my 2o-minutes-a-day-of-cleaning plan now that my house has been massively cleaned from top to bottom during this break. i resolve to keep running because of that guy i saw in the gym that could barely walk but he was there and he was trying! i resolve to keep returning to the path after i've strayed from it (henri nouwen-ism). so happy new year.

what have i been up to?

i apologize for the irregular blogging! i've discovered facebook and twitter and work full time and run and watch sports (football and basketball season overlapping causes me to double my daily sports-intake if you can imagine!) and hang out with friends and it's all just a lot to do, isn't it? well, so i figure it's time for me to recap what i've been up to... using pictures!

first up, the annual hutson's holiday breakfast for my students. they were so excited about it, they could not stop asking me all week, "ms. hutson, are you really going to bring food for us on friday? really? can i help cook? can we put peppers and turkey in the eggs? and cheese? can we have cheese? can you get cranberry juice too?" it was great. it was a completely normal time with students that i don't often have "normal" with. they took over the griddles, served each other, asked to help clean up, plugged their laptops into my speakers to play music for the whole group... very festive atmosphere and i LOVED it.

after celebrating my students, it was time for me to partake in my OWN celebrations:

going to see KSU beat #21 Alabama at the Sprint Center:

and celebrating the end of the 1st semester with my awesome co-workers... with epic breakfast (for dinner!):

and then some quality time and a rousing game of settlers of catan with my good friend Katie, her husband, Micah, and Kirk:

during the break, we had a lot of great time with friends and family and also a lot of time in the car (b00). but at least we had good music (what i'm listening to lately: gungor, quiet corral, the black keys, the head and the heart, the civil wars, mumford and sons, vintage waterdeep, and vintage mariah carey christmas album). got to see all of my cousins and their spouses on my my mom's side (the kinder family) for the first time in a long time! and spent some time with kirk's side of the family and the rundle family, singing and playing piano. also spent time with some good friends and felt like my heart was just filled up!

so, this weekend my brother and sister and brother's girlfriend will be home for a late buchheister family christmas and then next week it is back to school! i will follow up with more photos from my family time... hopefully! i'm just so busy, there's a lot of football and basketball to be watched...

conversations

in the past two days, i've had some tough conversations with students. tough, but good, i think. working in public school is challenging in so many ways, one of which is that we have all of these pressures and academic standards, and this high calling to push our students to academic excellence, but yet, sometimes life just gets in the way of those things, as important as they are. i sometimes catch myself inadvertently pushing away opportunities to slow down for a much-needed conversation because there's this need to hurry kids to class, make sure they don't miss instruction, can't take any extra time, go, go, go... anyway, i'm glad i slowed down for these moments:

i talked to a student who was coping with a difficult milestone, the 1-year anniversary of a best friend's suicide. the student shared about their friendship, built on the common ground of abuse suffered, her friend's heartache upon discovering she was pregnant at 14, and the moment that she learned of her friend's death. we talked about what it means to be strong, that it's ok to grieve, but also ok to be grateful for her own strength and life. i challenged her to help re-write her friend's daughter's life story, to make it a happy, joyful story, and to watch out for her friend's daughter so that she would not have to go through the same sorrows that her young mom experienced in her short life. there's no way to undo what this student has experienced already in her life, but at the very least, i want to LISTEN to her story.

today, i had a chance to talk to another student. he's been in the foster system forever, moved from home to home, has a behavior disorder which means he's a "high needs" placement. this means he's probably felt unwanted in most situations because he can be, frankly, difficult. i have a lot of students in this same situation: their transcripts are a mess, they are usually credit deficient, because they are moved frequently, change schools several times a year, they have no healthy relationships or attachments to anyone, they have no family or friends, just "workers" (case workers, therapists, psychiatrists, judges, POs, teachers... professionals, in other words). they have experienced pretty horrendous childhood traumas resulting in removal from their home. they come with a variety of mental health issues: PTSD, RAD (reactive attachment disorder - failure to form normal attachments due to abuse, neglect, etc), bipolar disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiance disorder), conduct disorder... the list goes on. i've noticed some of my male students with RAD seem to just be severely detached... they talk about extremely heartbreaking situations in a very impersonal, unaffected way. anyway, this student today walked into my room because he has basically given up on trying now that he knows he's being moved again. he talked, unemotionally, about the list of procedures and consequences he'll likely face when he's transferred: drug treatment, probation, probably some time in JDC. i said to him, "it sounds like a bunch of consequences that don't mean anything to you." he said, "they can't do anything to me, there's nothing they can take from me, i already have nothing." he wasn't upset, just very, very candid. we talked about his perspective, what he thinks is wrong with the system, what he would do differently; he thinks re-integration with families should be the rule, not the exception. i asked him if he thought there were any circumstances in which a kid should not be re-integrated. i asked him if he thought he had been spared anything difficult by his parents' rights being severed. he said, "whatever it may have saved me from, my life still ended up being crap." i asked him if this experience has made him consider what he will do differently when he's on his own. he talked about not wanting kids until he's older, he's had some life experiences of his own, has some stability, so that kids won't seem like a burden to him or he won't resent them. my goals in this whole conversation were to validate his perspective, to get him to speak on a more personal level (hard for some kids with RAD), and to speak to him as one adult to another. you know, the reality is that people who work with foster kids aren't bad people, i know that in some cases there is just no good answer. when you are faced with leaving a kid in a dangerous situation or removing them from their family, that's not a good choice to have to make. but, it doesn't matter what the reality is, what the truth is, what matters is HIS perception of what has happened to him, because it is that perception of his experience that is shaping who he is and who he will become. he's going to have difficulty in all of his relationships for the rest of his life because he went from one terrible childhood experience straight into somewhat less-terrible-but-not-great foster homes. and, sadly, some foster homes are as abusive as the homes kids are removed from to begin with. it takes a lot more than one conversation and a few weeks of a "relationship" with a kid to make a difference, but my only hope is that he felt that i listened to him, i respected his opinion, and that there was no where else i wanted to be at that moment than having that conversation with him. should i have tried harder? should i have forced the conversation a certain way, to advise him, to try to say some comforting words? how can we ever know what is the right thing to do or say in any moment? i don't know. i'm always unsure of myself. but, i felt like it was such a delicate moment, like if i tried too hard, said too much, i might disrupt it, kill it. so, i held back and reset my expectations. i think that is ok, too.

well, that's all for now. just wanted to share.

the un-blog

i'm so terrible about blogging as soon as school starts... i think it's because all other areas of my life come to a screeching halt! i abandon projects on the house, i neglect my yard, i don't clean, i don't cook anything creative, i don't go anywhere or do anything interesting, and i decrease my already minimal social activity. i thought maybe i would have to turn this into an un-blog, like instead of being a blog about home renovations, photography, cooking, and decorating i would have to start writing about my FAILURE to do these things. remember when i had the anti-decorating post showing off my piles of dirty dishes and unmade bed? well, i don't think i'm quite that desperate yet, but felt the need to post about something, ANYTHING, so...

i actually feel i've done pretty well so far this school year: i've had TONS of work, with my new position as the special ed department chair (in addition to the same job i already had as special ed teacher for students with emotional and behavioral disorders), but i've managed to keep quite a few other things on my social and personal agenda! here's what i've been up to:

*reading: Major Pettigrew's Last Stand; loving the stodgy old Major and his ever-changing perceptions of people he might have once viewed through prejudicial lenses.

*running: not really that much. want to do another race in the near future but having trouble figuring out how to fit running in with work during the week. best time for me to go would be right after i get home, before dinner, but it's been SO BLASTED HOT. and i'm so darn tired right after work that usually i just plop down on the couch and then there's NO chance! i've thought about starting a series of unglamorous facebook posts about running... you know how people will post their workouts, like "i ran 29 miles and felt great!" well, good for you! aren't you just awesome! i kiss the ground you walk on! so, i thought about posting things like, "i plodded for 5 miles and felt like dog poo!" or "i dragged myself along for 3 miles and my face exploded like a bubbling volcano of fire!" what do you guys think? i think they would be very popular posts. anyway, i created a training plan for myself on runnersworld.com and do plan to give it a good effort, but so far i'm logging most of my miles on the weekends and laying big old goose-eggs on the weekdays.

*sweating: the theme of school this year so far has been: let's-see-how-many-days-the-AC-can-break-down-before-the-students-start-to-riot-and-teachers-resort-to-violent-episodes. plus we had a power outage last friday in which we first evacuated to the football field and then were told to re-enter the building and try to conduct class with no power (no lights, no AC, no phones, no computers, no projectors, no intercoms, no security cameras, no metal detectors, no common sense... oh wait, that last one is purely editorial).

*socializing: i have managed to have enough energy this year to not entirely abandon my friends! i've had some quality time with co-workers, the Timmers, Laura and Tiff for brunch, Laura and Sporting KC for some excellent soccer:

and soon to come i will be enjoying some KSU football and US Women's National Team Soccer (again with Laura... i'm getting lots of good Laura-time!).

it's amazing how full my life is now that i'm not taking classes AND working! yay!

comfort

this past weekend kirk and i gave ourselves the gift of a clean house. remember my new year's resolution to clean for 20 minutes a day in order to keep my house a happy clean house? well, that lasted about 2 months. and i'm pretty sure i haven't cleaned my house since. i do plan to re-instate the resolution as soon as summer (aka free time) begins. anyway, i really enjoy my house, especially clean. it's very comforting. i opened up the windows and let the breeze circle through the house while i planted myself in my bed and read books for most of the weekend... other than the bit when i was cleaning. i decided to take a picture of my clean room to show you so that you can understand why that was just about the perfect weekend for me...

...isn't it so comfy looking??? natural light, breezy, dark walls making it small and cozy, fluffy pillows, wrinkly-looking duvet, piles of antique quilts from my grandmothers and great-aunt stacked in the armoire, clothes and clutter put away, the smell of lemon-y furniture polish, the sound of my wind chime drifting in through the open window, and plenty of books waiting to be read... perfect.

then, i realized that i probably never showed you my new bed.

you'll remember that i ordered it back in november. unfortunately it was delivered minus a few key parts so we ended up having to return the ENTIRE bed so they could send us a new bed (exactly the same bed, mind you) but with all the appropriate bits and bobs so that we could actually put it together and use it for sleeping! this delivery-return-redelivery process took many months and resulted in a $100 gift card and free delivery after i very nicely told restoration hardware that i was less than satisfied with the experience. but, in the end, i received the bed and i'm very happy with it and my room looks like an adult bedroom and not a college dorm.

i also never showed you the great dresser i found on craigslist! you know i have a problem with dressers. can't seem to get enough.

ok, back to my original topic: i find it rather strange that i equally (but for entirely DIFFERENT reasons) enjoy being at school with loads of noisy, energetic students, and all of my exceptional co-workers, AND being at home alone in my room with a stack of books, napping cats, and a pleasant-y breeze. seems a little bipolar, yes? anyway, this got me thinking: what is the most comfortable room in your house and what makes it so comfortable?

a little self-admiration, if i may

earlier this month i completed my final paper, typed my last words, wrote the last sentence of many to complete my masters degree! yay! i finished my last assignment on the same day as kirk and my anniversary and it was also the busiest week of the school year, so it was a bit overlooked. but now i would like to take this moment to congratulate myself. i am asking that you now address me as "master." ok, not really, i just wanted to bask in the light of being DONE for a minute. i also found out that i finished in the top 10% of graduate students at Emporia State University. i don't know if that is very prestigious or not, since it's a rather small university. well, thanks for allowing me a braggart-y moment. it will never happen again. unless i get another masters. or a doctorate. then i'll be insufferable!

learning our history

if you want to know more about one of my favorite topics in U.S. history, or if you, like myself, enjoy being a lifelong learner, i just have to tell you to please, please, if you do nothing else this week, watch Oprah on wednesday, may 4. if you're not an Oprah-watcher, i apologize for being cliche, or pop-culture, or whatever, but on wednesday, she will be reuniting the Freedom Riders, civil rights activists that were the heart of the non-violence movements in the south in the 1960's. one of my favorite heroes in history, Congressman John Lewis, will be on the show to talk about that time in his life as he marched along MLK, Jr and many others. i hope that it will be a show that demonstrates hope, reconciliation, and redemption. i plan to watch it by myself and cry until i am satisfied that all the tears are out. then, i plan to show it to my students since we studied non-violence movements and John Lewis earlier this year. but, first i have to get the crying out of the way! please watch this very important show with me!

and, if you would enjoy fictional reading that shines a light on that same era in history, you should definitely read The Help by Kathryn Stockett, one of my favorite reads of 2010, if not ever!

i have not disappeared...

...i'm just busy, nearing the end of a long school year, and out of clever thoughts to share with the blogging world. maybe i should share un-clever thoughts. maybe i don't even have un-clever thoughts to share! so here's a brief summary for now:

*i have to take my comprehensive exams for my masters program tomorrow. it is four hours of writing. bleh. i will be finished with my masters in may barring a terrible disaster resulting in failure on an epic level! i'm excited and proud to finally be finished. but mostly excited about being able to just work without also being in school.

*the students are squirrel-ly, it's spring, we're all just holding on by the thinnest of threads of sanity. i'm running extremely low on grace, patience, logic and other positive qualities that are helpful for teaching.

*i have some new vintage finds (old-new, new-old, whatever) that i will eventually post...i've been storing up. there is a theme among the finds...i like items that function as containers, i like to contain...that's my teaser.

*i have tried running again for the first time since the maybe-stress-fracture...nothing spectacular, which is to be expected. the hip seems ok, but the knees are rebelling against this newfound activity called jogging!

*i have gorged myself on basketball but i'm not quite done! one more weekend of blessed basketball. go VCU! or Butler! i know they can't both win, but i'd really rather root for the underdogs than see stupid uconn or kentucky take the ultimate prize!

*to get me through the drought between the end of march madness and the beginning of football season i have indulged in purchasing some Sporting KC tickets (formerly KC Wizards...MLS soccer). fun times.

*couldn't decide what to give up for lent. so here's a list of things that have fallen to the wayside that i could choose from to give up: working out, reading for pleasure (not for my classes), sleep, blogging. i'm just kidding. is that sacrilegious? no, i'm just being dramatic because this is the time of year when everything else in life comes to a standstill to make way for "just getting through" to the end of school.

so that's all for now...the least i could do.

when the dog bites...

it was a dog-biting kind of day yesterday at school. a beat down. so, i'm taking this moment to simply remember my favorite things in an attempt to drown out the angry mendy. atop the list of best things of late:

1. best cure for bad day of work: weekend

2. best book in a long, long while: The Help by Katheryn Stockett - one of the most important books i've read since I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings or Kaffir Boy and destined to land on my all-time favorites list. you should read it. today.

3. best food indulgence: homemade chicken pot pie with sweet potatoes, curry, and whatever other veggies i need to clear out of the fridge before they spoil...definitely a comfort food. mmmmm.

4. best way to get arrested: dressed as a bagel. true story: my activist sis recently got herself jailed for the day for participating in protests of Bloomberg's AIDS Awareness Bagel Breakfasts. the reason for protest: it's all a lot of pomp and circumstance. smoke and mirrors. bells and whistles. much ado about nothing. a lot of talk and no action. while breakfasting with important muckety-mucks, Bloomberg continues to raise the rent on properties where NYC's housing works (my sister's employer) tries to provide housing to low-income AIDS patients and cut funding to programs that benefit AIDS patients. so, they protested the ill-spent time and money for bagel breakfasts dressed as bagels. well done, sis.

5. best lighting to hide the extra holiday squidge around one's middle (resulting from "best" #3 chicken pot pie): my vintage globe purchase from etsy. as you can see, it is still quite dark even with this delightful little orb all aglow, thus it is this season's best tummy-trimmer. they say black is slimming...darkness is more slimming!

don't worry, friends, i'm not actually that worried about holiday squidge, i just wanted to use the nonsense-word squidge! and now i've said it 3 times!

6. best way to drown out the noise of an angry mendy (or best thing since Boys II Men, take your pick): The Sing Off (see previous 2 posts) or blasting Christmas music (did Boys II Men ever do a Christmas album??? if so, that would be the ultimate best way to drown out noisy angry mendy! kirk has informed me that yes, not only does Boys II Men indeed have a Christmas album, but we also own it. how this escaped my notice, i cannot say. short term memory perhaps?).

7. best way to cope with clutter and cleverly disguise dust bunnies without actually cleaning: Christmas decorations!

(please do not think to mock our Charlie Brown Christmas Tree...it is the only tree that our cats will not attempt to climb! i have no desire to come home from work to find my mercury glass ornaments shattered on the floor because cecil and percy were playing jungle cats in my living room.)

this is where i spend my days...

...Washington High in KCK. our school was featured this week on the local news station, KCTV5, and awarded the "Cool School" award. here's a few links to SHORT video clips showcasing the school that i wanted to share with you so you can see a little window into my world! i'm very partial to our band, they sure do make our pep rallies way more exciting than any school i've been part of! the drum line is pretty awesome, unfortunately this little bitty clip just doesn't do them justice (but you can take my word for it because i'm DEFINITELY a music snob and refuse to throw out empty compliments!). i love this school, the staff, my principal, the students and am so glad for this job...even when it's really tough. so, check it out:

Washington High wins "Cool School" award

WHS band

spanish club and choir

standing in john lewis' shoes

i was doing so good about blogging regularly but it's been an incredibly busy 3 weeks or so at work so i've just had nothing but school on the brain. i dream about it, wake up thinking about stacks of paperwork, and drive to school thinking about what i should do in my class today because i didn't have time to make a lesson plan, drive home after staying an hour later at work than i'd planned, fix dinner, sleep, and start the whole thing over again. and watch an occasional football game or 2 or so.

anyway, today i did a lesson with my social development class that i loved so i thought i should blog about that since i have nothing else to blog about. this class has all of my students with emotional disturbance or behavior disorders and we're doing a unit on self-awareness and self-management. one of the objectives of the unit is that students will learn to think from others' perspectives, or to put themselves in others' shoes, which, as you know, is really hard for almost all teenagers to do and next to impossible for emotionally disturbed teens to do! the part of the brain that deals with empathy is not fully developed until adulthood, which explains why many teenagers act like sociopaths. i'm being dramatic for comic effect...sort of.

so today, we did a"putting-yourself-in-someone-else's-shoes" activity. i did a photo history of john lewis, starting with a photo of the young activist john lewis marching in protest of segregation in the south during the civil rights movement in the 60's (this picture was actually AFTER the "bloody sunday" incident, when john lewis left his hospital bed to finish the march...pictured on the right in the blue sweater).

we discussed the background of peaceful protests, sit-ins, freedom rides, marches, etc. then i asked my students to think about how they would feel if they were in john lewis' shoes: what would they be thinking while they marched? how would they feel? what would they see? what would they hear? they talked about feeling aching feet, tired legs, but feeling strong because what they were doing was important. some students said they would feel scared because of walking through the south as a black man and some said they would feel unafraid because they weren't marching alone.

the next picture i showed was of the state troopers that waited for the unarmed marchers on the other side of the bridge and then began hitting people with clubs, and john lewis on the ground trying to cover his head from the blows. the next picture was of john lewis, with a bandage on the back of his head, being arrested and thrown into jail. then, a picture of john lewis next to a young civil rights activist (a white man), both splattered with blood. for the first time all year, every one of my students' eyes were glued to the images, they did not look away. they asked questions about rosa parks and lynchings and brown vs. the board of ed and segregation and slavery (one student asked if i thought slavery came naturally to people back then and why was it that the black people were taken as slaves...hard questions.) and harriet tubman and the underground railroad. hello! do not get me started talking about history, i won't be able to stop!

the last picture that i showed was a picture in 2008, washington, d.c. the mall crowded with millions of people and newly elected president obama walking down the steps of the capitol building balcony to give his inaugural speech. but he stops and hugs a man from the crowd as he passes. this man is, now older, now a CONGRESSMAN, john lewis.

i asked the students: what do you think he felt in this moment? what did he see around him? what did he hear? what was he thinking? they said that he probably felt overwhelmed, joyful, proud, emotional, but in a good way. then, i read to them an article that congressman lewis wrote about how he felt on that day and what it meant to him. we talked about how president obama is proof that peoples' attitudes can change and that our country is able to learn from past mistakes and that even people who didn't agree with obama's politics celebrated on that day because of what it meant for this country, that his election could occur in the same lifetime as segregation and jim crow south and heinous acts of discrimination. imagine! just imagine what john lewis has witnessed in his very own lifetime!

congressman lewis is one of my favorite people in the history of our country and i was overcome with emotion when i saw him on the balcony of the capitol building, hugging president obama. i love sharing his story with students and i want them to put themselves there, in his head, in his shoes, and learn to see from others' perspectives and empathize and learn that history is important because it's a chance to learn from the mistakes of the past and apply these lessons to their own lives. i want them to know that there is a place for protesting, and expressing their opinions, and raising objections, and defying social norms and that is when it is for the common good, for human rights. my students can be particularly defiant, oppositional, argumentative, deviant. most of the time they are labeled "bad kids." but maybe there's a place for defiant, oppositional, and argumentative people, if only we would learn to direct our passions at a worthy purpose!

failure

i feel like i only ever write about my students when there's something sad, or dramatic, or challenging to report. perhaps it's because i need to process these moments the most and writing is a platform for reflecting. it's not that there's never any good moments to celebrate, i definitely celebrate even the smallest, tiniest of things. but sometimes celebrating can feel a little like bragging. look, basically, i just haven't posted in a few weeks and felt the need to post again and this is what is on my mind, so...

...i feel like i'm failing my students every day. i don't say this because i want or need sympathetic pats-on-the-back from anyone. i'm not asking for that. it's just how i feel almost all of the time and i need my people, my friends and family, to know that i feel it all day long every day. because it's part of me.

the fact is that i can see what my kids need and can't always give it. i've read their histories, i've talked to their doctors, parents, foster parents, case managers, court-appointed guardians, probation officers, etc and there are so many deep and troubling issues that they are dealing with every minute of their days and i KNOW that makes it impossible for them to focus on anything else, least of all algebra and history and ACTs. the fact is that i believe very much in education and the importance of having it and the scandalousness of wasting it, but there's so much more to their lives than what happens at school. i second-guess my interactions with my students all the time; i wonder if i should be teaching my classes differently, structuring my program differently; i wonder if i'm doing what's right for them, should i be more lenient, or less lenient, more flexible, or establish firmer boundaries, give more support, or let them stand on their own more. it's overwhelming to feel this way.

there's not a lot in my students' lives that i have control of. i can't change their pasts, i can't force them to make good choices or make the most of their education, and i can't force them to get enough sleep and eat the right foods and take their medications. i can't fill all the holes in their lives. they need more than i am. i only have a few hours a day, a social development class, the intervention room (the classroom i work in where kids can come get academic help or use as a place to cool down...i call it the "free speech zone" so they can say whatever they need to say without worrying about getting into trouble!), and my ED/BD "program." that's all i can control, and even those things have some parameters that i can't manipulate. so i think i get overwhelmed by trying not to mess up what little i have that i can control. it's that perfectionistic thing...i'm afraid to make a mistake, because i feel like i can't afford it, because there is already too much failure surrounding my students' lives.

sorry if that's depressing. i know i need to do this job and i know i have an opportunity to make it whatever my students need it to be, the ED/BD program, that is. i care about my students and i have to get used to dealing with a lot of sad, frustrating, and irritating situations. sometimes it just gets to me. i guess i just wanted to share that with you guys.

hard things

so, now that school has begun, i'm afraid my blog will take a slightly different turn. during the summer i had a good little run of thrifting/gardening/renovating/green/idea blog posts. and, while i think those posts are most entertaining, the reality is that i'm a teacher first and foremost and, just like my occasional sports-rants, i must indulge my need to talk about the things that occupy most of the time and energy in my one-track brain. so, if you've noticed a change, and you are expecting the thrifting/gardening/renovating/green/idea mendy, i apologize, these posts will be less frequent, but i ask that you please chalk it up to "seeing a window into my friend mendy's day."

hard things:

*there have been several tragic events that our students are dealing with: a former student was killed last week and a student's brother was killed this week, both instances being investigated as murders; many students live in neighborhoods where drugs and drop-outs are the prominent influence and it shapes their thoughts and conversations; students are working to support their families and dealing with issues of relative poverty...i don't mean to be overly dramatic or speak in cliches (you're probably thinking "this sounds like a teacher-faces-indescribable-challenges-in-an-urban-school-with-a-leather-jacket-and-a-rap-soundtrack inspirational movie i've seen before"). however, this has all been a reality for the students, and not limited to the past 2 weeks since the beginning of the new school year. and i think it's important to tell you this because this is quite different from my own experiences of the "first days" of school, and i'm sure it's different from many of yours also. i worried about what to wear on the first day of school and what friends would have lunch at the same time as me and having to share a car with my dad (injustice!). well, my students think about those things too, but they are preoccupied with much more serious things as well.

*completely unrelated to the first bullet point (because, honestly, to teach there you have to get used to those things and you can't be shocked by everything all the time), yesterday a "dark cloud of doom" hovered over me at work. (gosh - i've restarted this paragraph 4 times now because i'm trying to be careful about what i say on a public forum about my job and my students...if it seems vague, i'm sorry. please know that i LOVE my job, my colleagues, and my students, so any expression of disappointment or discouragement is temporary and not at all my general attitude) anyway, nothing was any different from the day before, my students behaved the same, the attitudes and effort i observed in students in many classes had not changed from the day before, but my own feelings of hopefulness were dampened. does this make sense? although i know that it is ludicrous to expect my students not to have behavior issues, because that is a package deal with students with behavior disorders or emotional disturbance, i found myself discouraged at lack of progress. i felt disappointed with myself because i don't have answers, or at least not any new answers, so what happens if my suggestions or solutions that worked in the past fall short? that thought made me feel desperately inadequate. i promptly called my sis on the way home from work to tell her these things and she wisely reminded me that because the only difference from monday to tuesday was how i felt that i could be assured that these feelings would soon pass. and today, there were a few small victories which lifted the "cloud" ever so slightly (see the following).

*worked with some students that were very concerned about finishing assignments and remained focused without my having to plead with them (please remember that i work with a very unique population, for which this is definitely a victory).

*had a good discussion with students about what you do does not have to be who you are (this is really important for my students who struggle to control their behavior and often feel that they are always getting into trouble for who they are) and that you can work on changing what you do to better fit your goal of who you want to become, even if it is challenging work. they seemed really to respond to this whole discussion, and eagerly dove into creating individual and group definitions of habits, looking for good quotes to discuss and share with the whole class. they seemed encouraged to have a teacher recognize their personalities and good qualities separately from their behavior. or at least i hope that is how they felt. it's hard to tell.

anyway, thanks for reading. i'm not really sure what the purpose of this post is, but sometimes there's just a lot going on and mounting up and maybe you'll think about me and my students during the day and maybe i just needed to talk about life for a bit.

p.s. cecil came in from outside smelling of cilantro. strange cat.

celebrating friday

first things first: congrats are in order to Carrie and Michelle, who correctly guessed that my favorite thing about fall is ksu football (see previous post here)! the excitement actually begins to mount well before ksu kicks off their season because i really am a fan of all football and NFL training camp starts before college f-ball, thus satisfying my obsession a few weeks early. Tiff and Casey also mentioned other great things about fall: changing leaves, tea, sleeping in on a nice fall day (although that has to happen on saturdays and sundays for me in the fall...it's up at 5:00 am during the week, ick).

anyway, in celebration of it being friday, and continuing my theme of favorite things, here are some favorite things about my job/school (i'm going to be like one of those mom-bloggers right now, except instead of writing about my kids, it's my school and colleagues and students):

*my principal and colleagues are really pretty darn great. it's amazing to be in a building where everyone really values each other, even if there are differences of opinion as to how things should get done. if you work in schools, you know that just doesn't always happen and collegial dynamics can really make or break a job. also, my principal really loves my kids in particular and is so great with them which makes my job so much easier. my kids can be challenging and i just think that speaks a lot to her character.

*the great thing about working in an urban school is that our "pep band" is really just a big, awesome drum line. i love it. sometime i'll record them for you and post it on my blog so you can hear the awesomeness.

*my idea book. i like to keep a moleskine notebook around so that anytime ANY idea comes to mind i can write

it down. i don't always implement all of my ideas, but it sure does help to have a source of creative, fresh inspirations when my brain-well starts to run dry!

*i really love my students and their parents/grandparents. that does not mean that everything is always peachy...as i said, my kids can be challenging. but, you learn to recognize the hints of progress...like hearing that one of my students wrote an email to apologize to a teacher for cussing him out, or seeing one of my more reluctant students show up at my door to ask for help writing a paper, or getting a student to put his/her cell phone (otherwise known as teenage binkies) away the FIRST time i ask. i know these things seem "small" but they are huge steps for my students.

*my classroom and my great husband who helped me set it up yesterday morning! check out my reading/conference area, the beginnings of my inspiration wall (i don't actually call it that or my students would punch me in the face for being cheesy, but that's what it is), and my desk area.

i'm back!

i've decided to take a cue from my friend, shannon d, and choose 15 random things to tell you all (you all...wishfully thinking that i still have some friends that occasionally check my blog to see if i'm still living) about my life in the months since i've fallen off the blog-wagon (hahahaha).

1. percival had a near-death experience but is back to his thriving percival-self minus a functioning tail. whew! kirk says he looks like snuffleupagus because his tail just kind of hangs. very sad.

2. i successfully survived my first year of teaching!

3. i am OBSESSED with the world cup. i've been watching as many games as possible and trying to pretend that i'm studying while i watch. i had to do a case study and conduct observations for an hour for one of my classes in an area of interest, so i decided to observe spain vs. portugal! i kept a stats sheet and wrote a research question about whether cristiano ronaldo is a "selfish" player. my hypothesis was that he would take more shots and have fewer assists than anyone else on his team. my hypotheses were correct.

4. i've "run" almost everyday since summer began. and by run i mean shuffle. me running + humidity = me not really running, per se.

5. i have not made much of a dent in my summer reading stack.

6. i planted flowers! and they are still living! mostly. i'll post pics soon!

7. i think i may have broken my finger in, like, march or february. it involved trying to carry too much to my car on my way to work at 6:00 am (ick), dropping things, trying to catch things, and jamming my finger in the process. so, i can't fit my rings on my finger anymore. sad. and it's still hard to grip things with my finger. i know i should go to my chiropractor to get it fixed, but now i'm just afraid he's going to have to re-break things which makes me want to vomit.

8. i'm getting a new camera! i don't know when, but i'm excited!

9. i have this problem when i run that my calves start to get really tight and then it starts to spread down to my achilles tendon area and across to my shins and it just becomes horrendously painful! i don't know what is going on. any runners out there, please tell me what to do! i've tried stretching better, using those band-y things to stretch my calves, eating potassium sources before or after the run, warming up for longer, altering my stride, new shoes, icing my shins, massage (ouch, that really hurt! having my shins massaged is NOT fun)...

10. i'm not losing any seniors this year, and i'm gaining something like 7 freshman! that's a whole lot of freshman! teachers, you know what i'm saying.

11. i'm getting a new classroom next year. it's bigger, which is good.

12. i had about 13 zillion things that i was saving for summer to do, or plan, or re-work, or fix, or whatever, and summer is just FLYING by. how does that happen?!?

13. resource books i've found very useful lately: garden anywhere by alys fowler, national geographic photography field guide, voices of protest by i can't remember who (for teaching), no time to garden by anne swithinbank, and runner's world complete book of running.

14. i have an antique dresser sitting in my basement waiting to be sanded and painted! as soon as that project is complete i'll post pics. trying to decide what direction to go with new hardware for the drawer pulls. the dresser is a short 2-drawer with a curved front. i'm painting it a bright, glossy yellow. suggestions for hardware??

15. i have been strangely silent on all things football, basketball, etc. and the formerly-big-12-but-still-called-big-12. mostly because i don't even know what to say. i hate texas now more than ever. they have quite a little dictatorship going. sassy move, nebraska. sassy.

kirk came to school with me last thursday to help me fix breakfast for my students and their families. we fixed pancakes, french toast, and bacon. it was a good time. kirk got to see a little window into my day. he says my students are very "energetic." we had a good turn out of families: 2 moms, a grandma, godfather and his grandson, aunt, and a case manager from the mental health center! here's a really sweet email i received from one of my students the next day:

"good morning just wonted to say thanks agin for breakfast this morning. and to tall you that my mom says thanx to. i wonted to say have a good weekend and a Marry Christmas and thanx for leting me talk to you when i needed to and for being so suppurtiv and for being a nice teacher to not just me to every 1 so Marry Christmas and t alk to you latter."

so, even though i'm TIRED and so ready for this break, this is what reminds me that i love my job!

in other news: i have been so looking forward to this break, partly to get a jump start on getting back in shape, starting to run again, hopefully getting back into the habit, etc. well, on day 1 of my break i'm playing indoor soccer and i step on the ball, turn my ankle and can't even WALK! to make matters worse, we didn't have any subs for the game, so i kept playing, on one foot. i was such a worthless team member! so, here's a pic of the ankle. the picture really doesn't do it justice. it's very purple and swollen. i think god has a sick sense of humor, thwarting my ambitious plans of getting back into shape over break. but really, who tries to get in shape BEFORE new years???

good day today

i know i've been a crappy blogger, but i don't think i've ever been this busy in my life! i think i've lost some of my multi-tasking capabilities because i used to be able to handle a lot of different things all at once and now i'm just WEARY. but anyway, today warranted a blog post because it was a good day.

my students read today for 10 whole minutes, completely SILENT. they only complained for a minute and then i set the oven timer and told them that i would let the timer run while they read. but if they talked or stopped reading i would stop the timer and they would just cut into their free time the longer it took to get back to reading. it totally worked. this may not seem like an accomplishment but i assure you, it is.

secondly, i have gotten 3 new students in the past 2 weeks. two of the three came from alternate "facilities" and let's just say that the transition back into a "normal" school should not be expected to go completely smoothly. one of the kids has been in and out of several different schools, foster homes, jail, running away from foster homes, and hasn't been in school for almost a year. he is really far behind as far as credits go and that's discouraging to go into classes with students that are several years younger than him and still not understand what's going on because he's been out of the school "habits" for a year. day one this kid tells me he's probably just going to drop out and if he wasn't in school he'd just be on the streets doing "illegal stuff." i didn't even see this kid for the first few days that he was supposed to be at school because instead of going to classes he decided to wander the halls all day to avoid class. i finally caught up with him one day and he ended up sitting with me and venting for an hour about how frustrating it is to try to get ahead with so much stacked up against him. the next day, he came to my class. ok, fast forward 2 weeks to today. he went to ALL of his classes today! by the end of the day he got frustrated in his last class and walked out but instead of walking the halls he came to me. i called his teacher to let her know he was with me and he ended up working with me on his science classwork. we learned the difference between power and work and how to find them using equations. we looked up Usain Bolt online and talked about how if Ms. Hutson raced Usain Bolt in the 100 meter dash that we would do the same amount of work (force x distance) even if i took WAY more time to finish. but since the equation for power factors in time (P = work/time), who would be more powerful? "Quit playin, Ms. Hutson. Bolt mo' powerful." i need you guys to understand how much i hate science, but i taught this kid some science today. i don't think Usain Bolt taught anyone science today.

anyway, i've gotten to where i can joke with this kid but also lay down the law when i need to. i gave him a stern look and gave him a little "mom" lecture about his girlfriend and school and whether he should drop out and get his GED...etc. then i stopped and said, "you know what? i'm not going to tell you what to do. if you want to talk to me, you're more than welcome, but i don't want you to feel like i'm in your business." he said, "Ms. Hutson, i like talkin' to you. people always trying to get me to talk to counselors, but i say, 'man, i need to talk to Ms. Hutson! don't need no counselors!'" later i heard him telling another student, "Ms. Hutson my savior, man. it weren't for her, i wouldn't be doing NOTHIN." that was huge. it was a good day.

good news/bad news

let's start with the bad news: today i committed teacher suicide. i cried in front of my students. that is the absolute worst thing that a teacher could do, especially when your students are emotionally disturbed behavior disorder students that have not yet developed the ability to empathize. they angered me. they angered me so much so that tears welled up and then i knew it was downhill from there.

ok, moving on. good news: i won honorable mention for my photo here on the right ---->

"the council." my photo was one of the top 36 out of about 300 photos in the river to well photo competition to raise $ for drilling a well in South Africa. yay South Africans having water! yay winning awards! yay!

first days of school

first week of school:

*getting up at 4:50 every morning, leave the house by 6:00 am. i'm kinda proud of myself for that.

*i've had a work order to get my phone in my classroom fixed for three weeks.

*we have a paper shortage. budget cuts = paper shortage. this is ok with me as i am trying to be environmentally conscious anyway. but, it's just a reality for schools this year. it's not just paper either. teacher shortages too. most of the teachers have 30+ students in their classes. i've spent several hundred dollars in the past month on supplies, posters, and books, BOOKS for my room. i am determined that my kids will READ in my class. if you've not been in a school in the past 5 years you have no idea how difficult this simple goal is to achieve. i'll be danged (i edited myself!) if my kids don't read a gosh-darn fleeping book in my class. i told my kids that they may not like it, but we're doing it, and by this time next year they'll know that in Ms Hutson's class you're gonna read a book!

*evacuation. wednesday we had to evacuate the building because of a diesel leak. we spent 1 1/2 hours in the school's football stadium with the entire staff and student body until buses came to take the kids home. we didn't get back into the school until friday. first week of school.

i'm not going to lie, my kids are tough. i'm the third case manager they've had in 3 years and right now they could care less about me. it makes sense. they have no reason to trust me, take me for my word, believe me... that all takes time. you can't just walk in and start talking about how much you care about them. i told them on day one: things you should know about me: i am not the enemy. i know you don't know me, so you don't know if you can believe that or not, but i'm not the enemy. i'm not looking to "get" you. i don't enjoy that. but there's right and wrong and we're going to work on some things. if i have to talk to you about something, you're not in trouble, you're LEARNING. i won't assume anything about you. i won't judge you. also, i'm not perfect. you want me to give you a break from time to time? you gotta give me a break too. i have bad days, i'll make mistakes. but i'll always own them and apologize when i've been wrong. the hard part with my kids is that until they decide to respond to me, until they decide i'm the real deal and they can work with me, i can't force their hands. one student told me i'm doing ok so far. hey. i'll take it.

guys, seriously. it's like every inner-city school movie you've ever seen. please pray that i'll just love these kids well, if that's the only thing i do.

p.s. read the post from yesterday about river to well. take photos. submit them. build a well in south africa. give people fresh water.

school!

well, students show up tomorrow! yikes. i am super nervous. i feel like i've been trying to sip from a fire hydrant that is opened full blast. there is so much information, so much that i'm expected to know already, and i'm really nervous about how the students will respond to me. all to be expected, i suppose. the two most stressful things in a teacher's career are the first year of teaching and adjusting to a new district... i'm doing both this year. i feel like i know a storm is approaching and i can't avoid it but i am just hoping to weather the storm. i know that it's going to be busy, stressful, uncomfortable, confusing and scary for a little while but if i can just get through these first few months, i'll start to settle in a bit. here's some pics of my classroom.

i'll be teaching social development skills to kids with emotional and behavioral disorders. most of the office referrals from last year came from kids in my caseload, specifically the class that i teach. i'll also be working in an intervention room to help students with academic and behavioral problems that come up during their gen ed classes. and, finally, i will have my family advocacy group, which are kids that i will have close communication with everyday, close connections to their families, and help them stay on track with their goals, graduation requirements, etc.