10.28.2010

the anti-design post...and random thoughts on football and cats

i do sometimes like to post about my design ideas and projects, although this is not strictly a design blog as i am neither a designer nor a focused-enough blogger to have a single-themed blog. if your heart's desire is to read a design-renovation-education-green-sports-rants-gardening-photos-books-movies-culture blog, you are in just the right place!

anyway, my design personality takes a bit of a back seat in the fall when school starts and football season commences and my energy and creativity levels drop significantly. so today i have for you the anti-design post! apologies for the foggy cell phone pics. i will warn you, i usually avoid letting people see my house in this condition if it can be helped. prepare yourselves. if only un-made beds, piles of laundry, stacks of mail, mountains of leaves, and towers of dirty dishes were aesthetically pleasing! my house would be featured in every home and garden and design magazine in the land!
in other news, it has been two weeks since k-state was able to reclaim some of their former dominance at ku's memorial stadium, and we have since lost to baylor (i've been in complete denial this week, i can barely get the words out now...it's shameful really. i don't care if baylor's offense is better and if people want to say that it is not the baylor of old...it's still bad to lose to baylor). but, i will allow myself to remember with joy how the ku fans were already clearing out of the stadium at half time and how carson coffman looked like a quarterback for the first time in his college career! here's some pics from the 3rd quarter: note the empty stands except for the corner filled with purple!
finally, it's been a while since i've posted pics of my little love-y cats. they get so snuggly when the weather starts to change...looks as if they actually like each other! here's some shots of percy, quite the snuggler!

10.21.2010

failure

i feel like i only ever write about my students when there's something sad, or dramatic, or challenging to report. perhaps it's because i need to process these moments the most and writing is a platform for reflecting. it's not that there's never any good moments to celebrate, i definitely celebrate even the smallest, tiniest of things. but sometimes celebrating can feel a little like bragging. look, basically, i just haven't posted in a few weeks and felt the need to post again and this is what is on my mind, so...
...i feel like i'm failing my students every day. i don't say this because i want or need sympathetic pats-on-the-back from anyone. i'm not asking for that. it's just how i feel almost all of the time and i need my people, my friends and family, to know that i feel it all day long every day. because it's part of me.
the fact is that i can see what my kids need and can't always give it. i've read their histories, i've talked to their doctors, parents, foster parents, case managers, court-appointed guardians, probation officers, etc and there are so many deep and troubling issues that they are dealing with every minute of their days and i KNOW that makes it impossible for them to focus on anything else, least of all algebra and history and ACTs. the fact is that i believe very much in education and the importance of having it and the scandalousness of wasting it, but there's so much more to their lives than what happens at school. i second-guess my interactions with my students all the time; i wonder if i should be teaching my classes differently, structuring my program differently; i wonder if i'm doing what's right for them, should i be more lenient, or less lenient, more flexible, or establish firmer boundaries, give more support, or let them stand on their own more. it's overwhelming to feel this way.
there's not a lot in my students' lives that i have control of. i can't change their pasts, i can't force them to make good choices or make the most of their education, and i can't force them to get enough sleep and eat the right foods and take their medications. i can't fill all the holes in their lives. they need more than i am. i only have a few hours a day, a social development class, the intervention room (the classroom i work in where kids can come get academic help or use as a place to cool down...i call it the "free speech zone" so they can say whatever they need to say without worrying about getting into trouble!), and my ED/BD "program." that's all i can control, and even those things have some parameters that i can't manipulate. so i think i get overwhelmed by trying not to mess up what little i have that i can control. it's that perfectionistic thing...i'm afraid to make a mistake, because i feel like i can't afford it, because there is already too much failure surrounding my students' lives.
sorry if that's depressing. i know i need to do this job and i know i have an opportunity to make it whatever my students need it to be, the ED/BD program, that is. i care about my students and i have to get used to dealing with a lot of sad, frustrating, and irritating situations. sometimes it just gets to me. i guess i just wanted to share that with you guys.

10.13.2010

more than the average man...

so apparently, according to some statistic from usa today, the average man watches 3-6 hours of football a week. now, if you're not a football fan, you're probably thinking, "that's a lot of time to spend watching a game!" and you're probably thinking that because you're relating watching of sports to watching regular tv shows, which are 30 minutes to an hour long. so you're thinking, "that's 6 episodes of grey's anatomy" or "that's 3-6 episodes of glee!" but, if you're a football fan, you realize that 3-6 hours is really only 1-2 games a week (although there are only four 15-minute quarters and a 20-minute halftime, you also have to factor in all of the stop time...time outs, between plays, injuries, booth reviews, penalties, etc). first of all, that statistic has GOT to be a big fat lie. second of all, it's now official: i watch more football than the average man.
to my first point, you CANNOT convince me that the average man only watches 1-2 games a week. but, i suppose if you're only counting watching football games, and not factoring in time spent listening to sports radio, checking scores or fantasy football online, and watching other non-football sports, then that statistic may be accurate. to my second point, i think i EASILY watch 3-6 hours of football a DAY on saturdays AND sundays. this should come as no surprise to anyone that knows me, so don't judge. plus, i listen to sports radio whilst (i like that word and have committed myself to using it more frequently) driving to and from school everyday (it's the only way i can manage to stay awake). and i watch at least part of sports center almost every day. i also attend ksu football games. and SOMETIMES i even watch multiple football games at once, channel-surfing between the games that most interest me. i actually rank the games that are playing simultaneously according to my interest level and that is the order by which i rotate through the channels. think i'm troubled yet? i also play sports two evenings per week. i play soccer with a "co-ed" league on wednesdays and a women's league on thursdays. and by "co-ed" i mean 13 men and 1 woman (me...yeah, it takes some amount of courage or moxy or something).
all this has proven to me that i am one big giant freak show. but that's ok. i don't anticipate that is going to change anytime in the near future so we might as well all get comfortable. and i'll get comfortable whilst (haha) cozying up on my couch with football on my tv and the remote in my hand poised to switch to the next game during the commercial break.

10.02.2010

the theatre and the cinema

theater or theatre? i never know.

anyway, i would like to take a moment to brag a little bit. my sister, theresa, is in the process of showing one of her plays. it's a BIG deal. she was accepted for a fellowship allowing her to have the performance space to show. she wrote and is directing the play and my brother is part of the cast. beaming. click here to find out more about the company she started. here are some of the reviews (there are some names mentioned that may seem obscure if you're not a theater person, but you should know this is HUGE!!):

"A zigzagging Orwellian sonata of multimedia effects and workplace procedure... compelling and multifaceted."
- Mitch Montgomery, Backstage

"Field 309 is delivered to you straight out of the media hype of the current economic crisis... Writer/director Theresa Buchheister deserves great commendation for her pointed, stylized, and efficient script and overall inventive vision which guides this play so successfully. The performers are all strong individually and make a great ensemble. I highly recommend getting down to the Incubator Arts Project to check this one out (with or without your supervisor's approval)."
- Heather Lee Rogers, NYTheatre.Com

"Richard Foreman may have left the building, but his spirit and style loom large over the current production at the Incubator Arts Project. This amusing new dark comedy draws on familiar aesthetics ... to create a work that is part Foreman, part Beckett and part The Office."
- Andy Horowitz, CultureBot

isn't that just so exciting???

ok, now about the cinema. you know how on netflix you can rate the movies you've seen? well, this is just too fun for me, combines my "skill" for criticism and my desire to do absolutely nothing productive on this particular saturday. so i've decided to post a list of my 4- and 5-star rated films, because i know it's exactly what you've all been waiting for...my opinion. and because i've nothing better to blog about right now. little disclaimer: this is a very fluid, ever-evolving list as i change my mind quite frequently and my choices are much to do with my current movie "moods." also, this is not necessarily my list of "favorites" (although many of my favorites are scattered throughout the list) but my top-rated movies. some of these, i'll never watch again as they are too uncomfortable or painful to watch, although beautifully made. so, the list:
5 stars:
1. amelie
2. chocolate
3. crash
4. dead poets society
5. good will hunting
6. emma (1996 version)
7. a good year
8. harry potter movies
9. lord of the rings series
10. pride and prejudice (both the 1995 TV series and the 2005 movie)
11. slumdog millionaire
12. walk the line
13. glory
14. a beautiful mind
15. much ado about nothing
16. love actually
17. inception

4 stars:
1. about a boy
2. amadeus
3. american history X
4. awakenings
5. best in show
6. the bourne trilogy
7. braveheart
8. brokeback mountain
9. chariots of fire
10. dan in real life
11. edward scissorhands
12. the family stone
13. fantastic mr. fox
14. fight club
15. frost nixon
16. girl with a dragon tattoo
17. good night and good luck
18. the holiday
19. in her shoes
20. jane eyre (2006 version)
21. juno
22. the kite runner
23. life is beautiful
24. little miss sunshine
25. mansfield park
26. o brother where art thou?
27. office space
28. philadelphia
29. the proposal
30. the queen
31. rachel getting married
32. sherlock holmes
33. a single man
34. stranger than fiction
35. the pianist
36. son of rambow
37. run fatboy run
38. hoosiers
39. get low

so, what do you think? agree? disagree? additions? i've got free netflix for a month so give me some feedback about your favorite movies that may have been left off the list so i can add them to my queue!

9.28.2010

get your literary fix

i consider myself an avid reader and a fan of a wide range of literary genres. i've been steadily working my way through some of the "classics" and re-reading classics that i read as a child or in high school, but must not have been overly-focused as i have hardly any memory of doing so. in honor of my reading addiction i'm posting this link to The Modern Library's 100 top novels list. there are also links you can click on to see the top 100 non-fiction list, etc. as much as i consider myself an avid reader, and as smart as i'd like to think i am, i have to admit i've ready shockingly few of the books on these lists. and i was also surprised by some books left off of the lists.

my favorite books (to date) off of the lists: brideshead revisited (evelyn waugh...a summer 2010 favorite, beautiful book), the great gatsby (f. scott fitzgerald), to kill a mockingbird (harper lee...atticus is one of my all-time favorite characters), a prayer for owen meany (john irving...i was definitely captivated for the duration of this novel, but there's always something subtly, or not subtly, disturbing about irving's novels...i've read several and had the same thought each time...especially the world according to garp...disturbing)

books i've been stocking up but have yet to read: other evelyn waugh novels, henry james, e.m. forster, ayn rand is on the list for several of her books (i've just never been very interested in the genre, but i feel i HAVE to read her), and LOTS of books i'm ashamed to say i've never read!

books i love that were excluded from the lists: maya angelou's autobiographies, tolstoy, dickens, jane austen, the diary of anne frank,...oh crumb, i can't think of any others at this moment. of course.

check it out, see what you think, let me know which books you've read and your critiques. it'll be our own little book review. hutsoneister's book review. hmmm. i like books, i am critical, sounds like a career at which i could excel!

9.13.2010

flavors...and football follow-up

so, i have been thinking about food for the past few days. oh, who am i kidding, i'm forever thinking about food, a trend that goes back much further than just the past few days. but anyway, i have been thinking about my favorite flavor combinations and realized that many of my favorite flavors utilize the same few ingredients. so i decided to write about my top 10 ingredients. 10 ingredients that i just can't live without; so basic, yet able to be combined in unexpected pairs. or at least unexpected to the lay-cook, with my lay-palate. perhaps not so unexpected to a professional cook's palate. so, here's my top 10 ingredients (and how i typically use them), not in any preferential order:
1. oils: sesame oil and coconut oil are two particular favorites of mine. coconut oil is supposed to be a fairly healthy option, no trans fats. both of these oils have a slightly more interesting taste than your run-of-the-mill canola or cheap-o superstore brand olive oil. i like to use coconut oil to sauté instead of using butter. sesame oil is particularly yummy to use in dishes when no cooking is involved because there are some oils that no one would prefer to taste (or you have to invest in REALLY good, REALLY expensive extra virgin olive oil), but sesame oil has a generally good taste to it. it goes well with asian-inspired dishes and can be combined with soy sauce, toasted sesame seeds, veggies, and noodles (try soba or whole wheat spag noodles + edamame + sesame oil + toasted sesame seeds...mmm.).
2. organic chicken/vegetable broth: choose the low sodium variety so you can salt to taste; this is just a good basic ingredient to keep in your pantry at all times; use to make soups, chicken pot pie, or steam veggies, quinoa, or rice for a little more flavor.
3. fruit: i love most fruits...and even my favorite "veggies" happen to be fruits (squash, avocado, tomato). i like dried fruits, fresh fruits, cooked fruits, grilled fruits, fruit-pies, fruit salad, fruit-in-my-cereal...you name it. i like fruits with savory foods, like pork chops or chicken, or dried cherries or golden raisins in a curried rice dish, or fruit in a spinach salad with feta cheese and almonds, avocado and tomato salad (with simple salt and pepper), avocado with eggs, home-made guacamole, or grilled peaches and plums with cinnamon, sugar, cayenne (see spices), and topped with vanilla ice cream. delightful.
4. pasta: there's just so much you can do with pasta; it's easy to feed a lot of people on a little pasta; it's easy to cook, easy to experiment, good with a glass of red wine, and a little sprinkling of parmesan on top (see cheeses). i love to cook a bowl of pasta and toss in yesterday's leftovers from the grill (grilled chicken and veggies) with a little splash of oil and sprinkling of cheese.
5. eggs: another easy meal. scrambled with a soft cheese (my mom dad used to always make scrambled eggs with cream cheese...so good), fluffy omelette with peppers, onions and avocado or mushrooms and thyme, crepes with steaming blueberries and brie (see fruit and cheeses), or french toast (if you haven't had my french toast, you should come over for breakfast sometime!). our neighbors have hens, so we try to either use their eggs or we buy eggs from cage-free, grain-fed hens at the grocery. you'll notice a difference in taste. more flavorful. i hope this isn't bragging, but i'm rather good at cooking eggs. sometimes we'll go out for breakfast and there's really not an egg dish on any menu that i could not cook better. largely because eggs taste best hot off the skillet, not heated under a warmer while waiting for the rest of the order to fill.
6. spinach: spinach is my go-to green. we always keep it on hand for salads or to chop up and add to almost any dish to add extra nutrients! if you can't tell, i'm not a huge veggie-lover (unless you count my fruit-veggies!), so any way to add extra veggies into my diet is a must. I chop it finely and add to pasta dishes, omelettes, and my chicken pot pie. i don't particularly love cooked spinach but when you chop it in fine ribbons it doesn't clump quite so much. also, try adding it to hot dishes at the very last second so it does not completely wilt.
7. cayenne pepper/spices: i love all spices, especially cinnamon, nutmeg, and cayenne. i use these three in almost everything, sometimes all together! cayenne + dark chocolate (thank you mexico!) is one of my favorite flavor combos. i also add cayenne to fruit salads and eat with a good soft cheese. i sprinkle cinnamon on frying bacon (no joke!) or add nutmeg to creamy pasta dishes (i know, sounds strange, but it's good...promise). the key is not to over-do-it. in the mornings i usually make a chocolate protein powder + soy milk + cinnamon + cold coffee shake for myself so that i can consume my breakfast while driving to work, thus allowing myself to hit the snooze button one last time.
8. thyme/basil: i've been fairly successful growing herbs (fingers crossed!) so i enjoy adding them into just about everything. i have two flavors of thyme growing right now (one variety that i got from my mom's garden is a little bit lemon-y). basil makes a good addition to a toasty panini sandwich!
9. cheese: top 3 cheeses for me are brie/camembert, feta, and parmesan. but i also love blocks of cheddar, mozzerella, etc. no stinky cheeses for me, though. there's almost too much to say about cheeses. i honestly don't think i could live without them. cheese makes everything better. trying to eat more salads? no problem, just add feta. what would pizza be without cheese?? cheese makes my world go 'round. ok, that's just a little overly dramatic.
10. honey: a good substitute for sugar. add to fruit salads, grilled fruit, oatmeal, or marinades for pork or chicken. one of my favorite breakfasts is toasted walnut sage bread (from Wheatfields in downtown Lawrence), with a little bit of brie cheese and honey.
so, that was my top 10 ingredients list. if you haven't tried some of those ingredients, you really should. i don't really do recipes (i just kind of eye-ball it!) but if you want to know how i cook something, just leave a comment.
here are a few cookbooks i've picked up recently. In the Kitchen with a Good Appetite includes recipes with lots of fun stories and tips from the author, Melissa Clark. her approach to food seems to be similar to mine: keep it simple, but still interesting. she also has an entire chapter about breakfast foods for dinner (clearly i feel the same, particularly about eggs!) and another entire chapter devoted to cheese (hello!). Everyday Italian features a lot of great pictures so that i can get inspiration from photographs instead of having to read a recipe! i tend to like picture-cookbooks! the last book is a little gem i found in 1/2 Price Bookstore printed in 1963 featuring recipes and cooking techniques/trends throughout the ages in European history...pretty fascinating! i'll probably NEVER cook anything from this book, but it is still very interesting to me!
ok, in keeping with my recent trend of bipolar-blogging (that's the term i've coined for my range of unrelated blogging topics): i will now discuss my thoughts about ku football to follow up on my take on turner gill from last weekend. i have to say, i am utterly stumped. i have no words. i cannot fathom how a team that lost at home to a 1-AA team, who wasn't even able to score a single touchdown, managed to beat the 15/17th ranked Georgia Tech yellow jackets! it makes no sense at all. i still stand by my opinion that coaches should not name a starting quarter back one week and bench the same QB in a knee-jerk reaction to a loss that cannot be entirely pinned on said QB. but, i have to admit that, in this case, it appears that switch made a difference for ku this week. what i cannot understand is: did jordan webb suddenly show up in practice this past week, only after kale pick was dumped as starter? or was he always that good and the coaching staff erroneously decided to start kale pick for some unknown reason? sure, he's more experienced. sure, jordan webb's a redshirt freshman. but i just cannot believe that there was such a discernible difference that only became apparent after that hideous showing against NDSU in KU's opening game. turner gill opted to start webb, but still gave kale pick some playing time against GTech...i think probably just to maintain diplomatic relations with kale should he have any need to go back to him as starter. so, i guess i will withhold judgment for now, because, honestly, i just do not know what to expect. i felt like my predictions were pretty safe last week. no one seems to be able to explain that quick of a turn around, so neither will i. it defies logic.

9.10.2010

i am NOT ok with that (sports edition)

i am thinking of starting a new strand of posts called "i am NOT ok with that" in which i can voice my protests over certain preferred topics. for example, today's edition of "i am NOT ok with that" will feature my thoughts on happenings in the sports world this past week (psst! friends of mine that are not so interested in sports: please do read it, i think there will be enough entertainment for all! or at least have your sports-minded spouses/siblings/friends read and comment!). in the future, though, there will surely be other editions featuring my thoughts on education, books, music, movies, and other categories. so, i need some feedback. what do you think of the title for these posts? those of you who know me well and talk to me often know that i frequently say things such as "that's a deal-breaker!" or "that's a problem for me!" or "i am NOT ok with that!" so i wanted to stick with a title that is befitting my typical lingo. i also considered the title "what's wrong in the world of ___" but that seems too similar to nick wright's sports radio segment called "what's wrong with nick wright." so, weigh in. shall i stick with the current title, or do you prefer one of the other options?

onto the rant. this week, i am not ok with:
1. carson coffman (ksu QB) - i am not saying that i will NEVER be ok with coffman, or that i think synder should bench him (let's not be as hasty as coach gill please). but for this week, i am not ok. i am not ok with his shoddy footwork and half-hearted 3-step drop (which really is more of a 2-step shuffle). i am not ok with coffman holding onto the ball instead of throwing out of bounds or through the back of the endzone when a play is busted. i am not ok with passes behind, above, or at the knees of wide open receivers. i'm just saying.
2. turner gill (ku football coach) - it's not that i didn't thoroughly (and devilishly) enjoy ku's miserable loss to a 1-AA (or whatever it's called this year) NDSU team...because i did. it's not even that i don't like gill for mangino's successor because frankly he is more disciplined and less offensive than mangino. it's that he couldn't just admit that saturday's 6-3 loss AT HOME was plain bad. he gave us coach-speak. he said, "it's just one game. it's the first game." excuses! just call a spade a spade! it was atrocious! if you can't say that the game was bad it's like saying that you're ok with that kind of loss if for the sake of progress and i can't think of any ku fan or big XII fan that thinks that loss is ok. gill's response to the game made me all the more appreciative of coaches that are willing to address the bad and the good equally. coach gill, it's ok to say that "this loss stinks!" because it did. and what's more, gill followed up the stinky loss, and empty, meaningless post-game comments with the hasty decision to bench kale pick (QB) and start webb in his place. my opinion: what's the harm in having pick start for at least another week? you're playing Georgia Tech (#15) this week; no one expects ku to win, let's see what kind of fire that pathetic loss may light under pick's butt. see if he progresses, see if he learned anything from that humiliation. why stick webb out there as a lamb for slaughter? then you'll have two ruined quarterbacks. but he didn't ask for my opinion on the matter.
3. misogynistic callers-in to sports radio shows. ignorant listener on the nick wright show today said, and i quote, that he hates that when women call into the show they automatically get bumped to the front of the queue and they never have anything good to say and how he despises having to watch his precious sports with women and how he wishes that women would just shut up and get him another beer. no lie. no exaggeration. he actually said it. nick's response: "well, that was borderline sexist! and by borderline i mean completely crossing the line!" thanks, nick. do i really need to explain why this particular item made my rant list for the week? i'm not even going to spend time or space defending my honor. i defy sexist caller-in guy to find a sports topic for which he is more knowledgeable than i. defy. i'll show him where he can put his beer. grrr.
4. daniel thomas having NO chance to win the heisman trophy. i promise i am not just being a giant homer, i'm always try to have some objectivity. after a 235-yard effort against a BCS conference team in UCLA, thomas was 12th on the list of heisman candidates. listed ahead of him: alabama's ingram, who is not even currently PLAYING after knee surgery and is unsure of his return date, and a mixture of other players that had impressive stats against some impressive and some not-so-impressive opponents. and this week, national heisman voters will not even have a chance to watch thomas destroy missouri state's defense because the game will not be televised. not only is ksu's game not televised, neither is missouri, nebraska (only on pay-per-view), texas a & m, and oklahoma state, and texas tech is only showing locally. the big XII cannot expect to have a viable heisman candidate now or in the near future (unless said candidate is from texas or oklahoma) and cannot expect to be taken seriously as a conference if it can't figure out a way to get it's teams' games on tv. for now it's more tales of woe and pity about how the midwest is ignored, underestimated, and underrepresented in the national media...well no wonder.
5. billy ray cyrus. the chiefs' big plans for unveiling the new arrowhead stadium on their home-opener on monday night football on national television is...billy ray cyrus? what?? country music is bad enough. but then, you can't even find a current country singing star?? i'm sorry, billy ray cyrus may have shed the permed mullet (aka permllet...yeah, kyle hutson, you know what i'm talking about) but he's still got a shorter version of a mullet back there and he is still the culprit behind achey breaky heart. seriously, chiefs?? is that the best you've got?? arg.

i think that's enough for now. have a good weekend! go cats!

9.03.2010

staying (or getting back) in shape post-20's and football

if you'll allow me to rant a bit...
sometimes a good rant is in order because you have no one to be mad with but yourself and you can't really row with yourself without looking crazy so you have to just put it out there and hope someone identifies with and understands you. and you hope that you won't be judged for thinking extreme thoughts and feeling exaggerated feelings about something that is not all that uncommon and relatively insignificant. so here we go:
probably more frustrating than accepting my post-20's-now-in-my-30's flabbier self is that i can't physically DO what i want to do, and envision myself doing. because even if i am unhappy with how i look or what size i wear or whatever cliche thing that almost all women in their 30's think toward themselves, i think that if i could still run miles and miles, or play a full soccer game on a full-sized pitch, or confidently play pick-up soccer and basketball with "the guys" like i used to do without much effort, that maybe i wouldn't feel quite so defeated. it's difficult enough to "get oneself back" without adding to it the new and unfamiliar challenges of achey knees, plantar fasciitis, hip bursitis, jiggling belly, rubbing-together legs, sweat-from-strange-places, and what feels like weight-induced asthma (did i make that up?? i've heard of allergy-induced asthma and seasonal asthma, both diagnoses which i have claimed, but now i'm certain it's just extra-flab-induced asthma). sorry if that is too graphic. but it's terribly uncomfortable to try to do the same activities i have always loved with extra poundage. i used to run with my mom (who is 5'3" to my 5'6") in high school and we always bickered about who should set the pace because my stride was longer and quicker than her little legs would manage (but she always outlasted me...classic tortoise and hare). i miss that stride. i liked that stride. now i shuffle instead of running. i plod. plod plod plod. (onomatopoeia).
last weekend i had a particularly defeating attitude. i was wallowing. i couldn't seem to get myself moving and i made terrible food choices all weekend long. when, finally, i peeled myself off of the couch and went for a run on sunday evening after thinking about running all weekend long and everyday the previous week, i realized as i plodded along how much more difficult i am making it for myself! i got mad at myself. i was mad in a good way, the kind of mad that makes me DO something...anything! kirk and i went running again on monday or tuesday and i was complaining (poor kirk) about how difficult it was and how frustrating, blah, blah. he was trying to comfort me, saying "at least we're doing something, it's better than nothing." i stopped him. i told him i don't want to be comforted, i don't want to feel good about where i am right now. i don't want to feel good about shuffling. i don't want to feel good about only being able to run a few miles when that is so far from my goal (if you're not a runner, i know you're thinking a few miles sounds good, but if you're a runner you know how much it stinks to run fewer than 3 miles and struggle through the whole process! if you're not a runner, think about something you like to do and are good at and think about how it feels to do less than you expect of yourself...it stinks). i don't want to be comfortable. comfortable is what has gotten me here. "comfortable" is what makes me want to eat things that aren't good for me and avoid vegetables. it's not comfortable to eat grilled chicken and salad after a rough day at work. it's more comfortable to eat pizza. it's not comfortable to get up early to run, it's more comfortable to sleep later. it's not comfortable to discipline oneself, it's not comfortable to sweat, and run up hills, and sprint the last 2 blocks, and push yourself, and it's not comfortable to be sore the next day...but i love that. it's not comfortable to face my disappointment with myself and a closet full of 2-sizes-too-small clothing that hasn't been worn in years. it's comfortable to avoid and justify and make excuses and it's comfortable to just keep eating too much, drinking soda, and scarfing yummy unhealthy food so that i don't have to think about changing myself. no, i definitely don't want to be comfortable.
i wonder...does anyone else think about things like this??
anyway. so for now, i'm going to let myself stay mad. mad mendy. beware.

now, on to fun things: football!
i'm going to manhattan for the opening game of the 2010 ksu season. woopwoop. i honestly do not know what to expect because the media predictions are for k-state to be in the middle of the big XII north. but, as ever, bill snyder has
been elusive and vague about his expectations for the team, waiting until the 11th hour to name carson coffman the starting QB (provoking questions as to whether there was actually competition for the spot or snyder was merely electing not to reveal all of his cards, so to speak). there is great anticipation for thomas to have a record-setting season, but what will this look like in an era of spread offenses? is thomas our only viable offensive threat? as for the game this weekend, we face a UCLA that went to a bowl game last year but is only returning one starter from that team. most people are counting k-state out in this game, but i think we may have a chance (eek. i hate making predictions) and here's why: home field advantage, opening day, bill snyder (he notoriously keeps a few unsung talented players tucked up his sleeve and out of the media's scrutinizing eye), thomas, and an inexperienced UCLA team. no guarantees. just possibilities.

8.28.2010

please don't forget...

...the deadline to submit photos for the 2010 River To Well Photography Competition is September 1!! The funds from the submissions and sales of any photographs will help build a well in South Africa. You don't have to be a professional...student, amateur, and professional entries are accepted. See the website for more information and to submit your photos!

I finally narrowed it down to these three photos of my own:

8.25.2010

hard things

so, now that school has begun, i'm afraid my blog will take a slightly different turn. during the summer i had a good little run of thrifting/gardening/renovating/green/idea blog posts. and, while i think those posts are most entertaining, the reality is that i'm a teacher first and foremost and, just like my occasional sports-rants, i must indulge my need to talk about the things that occupy most of the time and energy in my one-track brain. so, if you've noticed a change, and you are expecting the thrifting/gardening/renovating/green/idea mendy, i apologize, these posts will be less frequent, but i ask that you please chalk it up to "seeing a window into my friend mendy's day."

hard things:
*there have been several tragic events that our students are dealing with: a former student was killed last week and a student's brother was killed this week, both instances being investigated as murders; many students live in neighborhoods where drugs and drop-outs are the prominent influence and it shapes their thoughts and conversations; students are working to support their families and dealing with issues of relative poverty...i don't mean to be overly dramatic or speak in cliches (you're probably thinking "this sounds like a teacher-faces-indescribable-challenges-in-an-urban-school-with-a-leather-jacket-and-a-rap-soundtrack inspirational movie i've seen before"). however, this has all been a reality for the students, and not limited to the past 2 weeks since the beginning of the new school year. and i think it's important to tell you this because this is quite different from my own experiences of the "first days" of school, and i'm sure it's different from many of yours also. i worried about what to wear on the first day of school and what friends would have lunch at the same time as me and having to share a car with my dad (injustice!). well, my students think about those things too, but they are preoccupied with much more serious things as well.
*completely unrelated to the first bullet point (because, honestly, to teach there you have to get used to those things and you can't be shocked by everything all the time), yesterday a "dark cloud of doom" hovered over me at work. (gosh - i've restarted this paragraph 4 times now because i'm trying to be careful about what i say on a public forum about my job and my students...if it seems vague, i'm sorry. please know that i LOVE my job, my colleagues, and my students, so any expression of disappointment or discouragement is temporary and not at all my general attitude) anyway, nothing was any different from the day before, my students behaved the same, the attitudes and effort i observed in students in many classes had not changed from the day before, but my own feelings of hopefulness were dampened. does this make sense? although i know that it is ludicrous to expect my students not to have behavior issues, because that is a package deal with students with behavior disorders or emotional disturbance, i found myself discouraged at lack of progress. i felt disappointed with myself because i don't have answers, or at least not any new answers, so what happens if my suggestions or solutions that worked in the past fall short? that thought made me feel desperately inadequate. i promptly called my sis on the way home from work to tell her these things and she wisely reminded me that because the only difference from monday to tuesday was how i felt that i could be assured that these feelings would soon pass. and today, there were a few small victories which lifted the "cloud" ever so slightly (see the following).
*worked with some students that were very concerned about finishing assignments and remained focused without my having to plead with them (please remember that i work with a very unique population, for which this is definitely a victory).
*had a good discussion with students about what you do does not have to be who you are (this is really important for my students who struggle to control their behavior and often feel that they are always getting into trouble for who they are) and that you can work on changing what you do to better fit your goal of who you want to become, even if it is challenging work. they seemed really to respond to this whole discussion, and eagerly dove into creating individual and group definitions of habits, looking for good quotes to discuss and share with the whole class. they seemed encouraged to have a teacher recognize their personalities and good qualities separately from their behavior. or at least i hope that is how they felt. it's hard to tell.

anyway, thanks for reading. i'm not really sure what the purpose of this post is, but sometimes there's just a lot going on and mounting up and maybe you'll think about me and my students during the day and maybe i just needed to talk about life for a bit.

p.s. cecil came in from outside smelling of cilantro. strange cat.