to resolve or not to resolve?

i have never been a big fan of making new year's resolutions. as long as i can remember. call it rebellion against the conventional or trying to be out-of-the-box or non-conformist or avoiding the trendy thing. possibly all of the above. and it's possible that in the last 3-5 years i hated the idea of making resolutions more than ever because i felt more despondent about my lack of progress in every aspect of life, so the idea of trying to set goals i might actually be accountable to overwhelmed me. luckily, i wore the rebellious-nonconformist-untrendy thing like a badge of honor which cleverly disguised my despondency. so so cunning.

about 3 years ago i wondered if maybe i hit my personal peak as a college student. athletically, intellectually, socially, and professionally i was a bright and shiny star of energy and potential as a 21 year old. aren't we all? it would forever be the measure against which i compared myself. as an adult, in my post-collegiate years, i felt overwhelmingly that i wasted all of that potential. i walked away from my dream of teaching in the inner-city because i was afraid to go out and pursue that dream alone. what kind of person does not fear danger but fears being alone? i've never been afraid of the conventionally terrifying things. but i was afraid to go after my dream. and that made me feel like a disastrous failure for years. i allowed my teaching certificate to expire, which felt like a stab in my heart after all of the hard work i put into earning that license. i gradually became squidgier and softer and less of a bad ass athlete, but no less competitive, which only made the pain of losing my athleticism more acute. my identity as "one of the guys", sporty-mendy, runner-girl was in jeopardy and i was floundering without my sense of self. i put more and more distance between myself and other people to shield myself from embarrassment, judgment, and the overwhelming compulsion to compare myself to others that seemed to be getting "it" right. damn the 21 year old mendy. she was making my life a misery, the memory of her.

i am fortuitous, however, to have a scrappy personality that is able to bend without breaking. i may not be a resolution-setter but i know how to put one foot in front of the other and walk uphill into a strong wind. the first "step" was getting my teaching license reinstated, second "step" masters program in special education, third "step" applying in KCK, fourth accepting the EBD teaching position at Washington High, fifth, 6th, 7th... opening myself up to dreaming again, to loving my students, to finding my "home" at Washington, learning from and befriending coworkers, leaning into the good things, completing my masters, and giving a damn about being better at my job everyday that i'm there. amazing what momentum that created for me.

next big step has been my journey this past year, reclaiming my sporty self. starting to run again and rediscovering that i'm actually pretty good at it! doing my first half marathon in almost 4 years and not allowing my progress to fizzle into smoldering embers the weeks after the race. getting stronger, faster, slimmer, more confident, less anxious about EVERYTHING.

so, no, i usually don't make new year's resolutions. i just try to make forward progress, however small the step. i'm generally pretty good at setting goals for myself throughout the year, short-term and long-term goals, professional goals, personal goals, goals for reading, goals for cooking goals for dressing better for work, goals for making it to that next block on a run, goals for running 5 miles, 6 miles, 8 miles without stopping, goals to not look at the clock when running on the treadmill or not look at the clock when at work, goals for positive interactions with students, redefining my goals when i've failed, reevaluating the appropriateness of the goal... i make a lot of goals. so if you must know, i resolve to continue with the same progress that i've been on for the past year. i resolve to reinstate my 2o-minutes-a-day-of-cleaning plan now that my house has been massively cleaned from top to bottom during this break. i resolve to keep running because of that guy i saw in the gym that could barely walk but he was there and he was trying! i resolve to keep returning to the path after i've strayed from it (henri nouwen-ism). so happy new year.

what have i been up to?

i apologize for the irregular blogging! i've discovered facebook and twitter and work full time and run and watch sports (football and basketball season overlapping causes me to double my daily sports-intake if you can imagine!) and hang out with friends and it's all just a lot to do, isn't it? well, so i figure it's time for me to recap what i've been up to... using pictures!

first up, the annual hutson's holiday breakfast for my students. they were so excited about it, they could not stop asking me all week, "ms. hutson, are you really going to bring food for us on friday? really? can i help cook? can we put peppers and turkey in the eggs? and cheese? can we have cheese? can you get cranberry juice too?" it was great. it was a completely normal time with students that i don't often have "normal" with. they took over the griddles, served each other, asked to help clean up, plugged their laptops into my speakers to play music for the whole group... very festive atmosphere and i LOVED it.

after celebrating my students, it was time for me to partake in my OWN celebrations:

going to see KSU beat #21 Alabama at the Sprint Center:

and celebrating the end of the 1st semester with my awesome co-workers... with epic breakfast (for dinner!):

and then some quality time and a rousing game of settlers of catan with my good friend Katie, her husband, Micah, and Kirk:

during the break, we had a lot of great time with friends and family and also a lot of time in the car (b00). but at least we had good music (what i'm listening to lately: gungor, quiet corral, the black keys, the head and the heart, the civil wars, mumford and sons, vintage waterdeep, and vintage mariah carey christmas album). got to see all of my cousins and their spouses on my my mom's side (the kinder family) for the first time in a long time! and spent some time with kirk's side of the family and the rundle family, singing and playing piano. also spent time with some good friends and felt like my heart was just filled up!

so, this weekend my brother and sister and brother's girlfriend will be home for a late buchheister family christmas and then next week it is back to school! i will follow up with more photos from my family time... hopefully! i'm just so busy, there's a lot of football and basketball to be watched...

food journaling... a year later

i'm not sure how many of you know this about me, but last year before thanksgiving break i decided to start keeping track of the food i ate in a food journal. it's been a year and i've decided to share my some insights i've discovered about myself in the past year. do you want to hear the end results now or should i save that for later? hmmm, i think i'll save that. you'll just have to read on, i suppose.

so, here's the background info:

i was athletic in high school and college, loved running and playing soccer, and never had to be "careful" about food. i gained weight so very gradually during college and post-college that i didn't ever experience any major "warning signs." i remember taking nutrition class at KSU and keeping a food log for a week and thinking that pastaroni and bagels were healthy foods. what the what?? hahaha! delusions of a sporty-girl addicted to carbs! so, over the course of the 8-10 years after high school i steadily gained weight and found myself frustrated, annoyed, and embarrassed. frustrated because i really did NOT want to inconvenience myself with having to be thoughtful about what i ate or having to workout to maintain weight instead of just enjoying it. annoyed because i could not do what i used to be able to do physically and, as you all know, i'm highly competitive, with myself especially. so that was a problem. and embarrassed because so much of my confidence, what i liked about myself, was my athleticism, my sporty-girl identity, and a high level of activity. i was even a personal trainer, but kept gaining weight throughout the entire time i was employed as a trainer. it was embarrassing.

the necessary kick-in-the-ass:

so last year i was playing indoor soccer 2-3 times a week for a few hours, which i loved. but i ended up with a stress fracture in my hip that left me unable to run or do anything high impact for 6 weeks to several months. i was so discouraged when i discovered this because i was barely maintaining my weight and now i would not be able to maintain my high activity level. it turns out that was exactly the kick in the pants that i needed! i decided to find an online food journal. it was the week before thanksgiving and i felt like a crazy person for starting to track food right before holidays, but i thought, "what have i got to lose?"

the so-laid-back-it-can't-be-mendy-buchheister/hutson's-plan plan:

1. so, for the first week of tracking food, i allowed myself to continue to eat what had become "normal" for me so that i would get an accurate picture of the situation.

2. i set a weight loss goal for myself for the next year that i felt was both ambitious and achievable. i calculated that to lose 30 lbs in a year i would need to average about .6 lb weight loss per week. that is not unreasonable when you break it down that way, in my opinion. but it was crazy to think that in a year's time i would be back to the weight i was in 2002! the online food journal automatically calculates the net total of calories to consume in a day based on my height, weight, and weight loss goal of .6 lb per week. it was not unreasonable, so i was feeling optimistic.

3. i made a rule for myself that i would make NO rules for myself other than to daily log my food. this was big for me, because i'm a rule-follower to a fault and i didn't want to set myself up for devastation by creating a list of food do's and don'ts right before the holidays. in fact the only other rule i adopted was that i was allowed to have a binge day once per week. more on that later.

4. i anticipated the glitches. i knew that perfectionistic me would overanalyze and stress over how accurate the calories were and i just decided to let it bother me for the first week or so and then get over it! i figured that even if the online tracker wasn't 100% accurate, i was still doing something to monitor the food i consume which is better than nothing. i also knew that i may plateau and not have weight loss that looked like a perfect negatively trending graph. i knew that regular exercise was going to be tough with the stress fracture and then the stress of school... all potential obstacles.

the craziest part of the whole experience is how much my anxiety over food/appearance/weight decreased almost immediately. by anticipating glitches it took the surprise attack element away from any obstacle that i encountered. by giving myself a binge day it took away the stress of a "bad" eating day that normally would have turned into a bad eating month for me. i didn't have guilt or shame over a binge day because i had planned to have one. so, the next day i was able to get back on the proverbial horse instead of flogging myself with the guilt! i didn't stress over periods of slow or no progress because i knew that i was doing all the right things and that it would eventually work itself out. i didn't stress about how long it would take me to lose weight because i could relish the idea of the next milestone (i remember thinking, "i can't believe that by my birthday i will have lost 10 lbs!" or "by summer i will be feeling so much better!"). i didn't cut anything out of my diet, still enjoyed eating out, drinking soda, and other favorites, but just didn't overdo it. if you're reading this still, you probably know me well, which means you probably know how big of a stress-ball i am almost every minute of every day of my entire life. so, you understand how big of a deal it was to have all of that ANXIETY lifted off of me. i think that i lost the first 10 lbs in anxiety alone. not using hyperbole, i'm sure it's a scientific fact, sure of it.

from march to may i saw almost zero progress. the stressy mendy would have freaked out, but i reminded myself that it was the most stressful time of the school year which is probably having an impact on the #'s. i told myself that i would reevaluate at the beginning of summer and kick the workouts into a higher gear. so, over the summer i started running a little bit for the first time since the stress fracture, enjoying running trails which kept me injury free, and i swam almost every day at the outdoor pool, which i loved because it was like being a kid again (shout out to manhattan city pool!). by the time the school year started in august i finally felt like i was starting to SEE a difference. after getting back on track with weight loss over the summer, i plateaued again for the first 2 months of school, but i started training for a half marathon again (something i hadn't done in 3.5 years!), and could feel myself getting stronger and healthier. even though i did not lose lbs during that time i really started to notice a difference in the fit of my clothes, so that's fun!

the end results:

i ran my first half marathon since 2008 on november 20. i did not hit a PR by any means, BUT i felt so much more fit from this training than i had for the previous 5 half marathons i had done. i was more disciplined and consistent during this training than ever before. AND i made myself a plan for maintaining the long distances starting the week immediately after the event. always before i was so exhausted after the half that i wouldn't do anything for weeks afterwards, then i'd have to start back from scratch. well, not this time! not only do i feel more fit, but i've had basically no knee problems, no shin splints, no plantar fasciitis, etc. awesome!

secondly, i did manage to lose 25-30 lbs in the last year, just like i had set out to do! i was not sure if i was going to hit that goal or not, but i had determined not to beat myself up over it if i didn't because for a whole year i was faithful to the food journal and i only made forward progress or plateaued, never gained any weight, not even 1 lb. in the end, though, i came really darn close to the goal and am continuing on with my next goal for the next year. so, i'm feeling really pretty good.

i know weight is such a sensitive issue and it's hard not to sound braggy when we talk about our successes. but i'm pretty proud of the progress i've made and feel like i learned some valuable insights about myself. so, i thought i'd share.

conversations

in the past two days, i've had some tough conversations with students. tough, but good, i think. working in public school is challenging in so many ways, one of which is that we have all of these pressures and academic standards, and this high calling to push our students to academic excellence, but yet, sometimes life just gets in the way of those things, as important as they are. i sometimes catch myself inadvertently pushing away opportunities to slow down for a much-needed conversation because there's this need to hurry kids to class, make sure they don't miss instruction, can't take any extra time, go, go, go... anyway, i'm glad i slowed down for these moments:

i talked to a student who was coping with a difficult milestone, the 1-year anniversary of a best friend's suicide. the student shared about their friendship, built on the common ground of abuse suffered, her friend's heartache upon discovering she was pregnant at 14, and the moment that she learned of her friend's death. we talked about what it means to be strong, that it's ok to grieve, but also ok to be grateful for her own strength and life. i challenged her to help re-write her friend's daughter's life story, to make it a happy, joyful story, and to watch out for her friend's daughter so that she would not have to go through the same sorrows that her young mom experienced in her short life. there's no way to undo what this student has experienced already in her life, but at the very least, i want to LISTEN to her story.

today, i had a chance to talk to another student. he's been in the foster system forever, moved from home to home, has a behavior disorder which means he's a "high needs" placement. this means he's probably felt unwanted in most situations because he can be, frankly, difficult. i have a lot of students in this same situation: their transcripts are a mess, they are usually credit deficient, because they are moved frequently, change schools several times a year, they have no healthy relationships or attachments to anyone, they have no family or friends, just "workers" (case workers, therapists, psychiatrists, judges, POs, teachers... professionals, in other words). they have experienced pretty horrendous childhood traumas resulting in removal from their home. they come with a variety of mental health issues: PTSD, RAD (reactive attachment disorder - failure to form normal attachments due to abuse, neglect, etc), bipolar disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiance disorder), conduct disorder... the list goes on. i've noticed some of my male students with RAD seem to just be severely detached... they talk about extremely heartbreaking situations in a very impersonal, unaffected way. anyway, this student today walked into my room because he has basically given up on trying now that he knows he's being moved again. he talked, unemotionally, about the list of procedures and consequences he'll likely face when he's transferred: drug treatment, probation, probably some time in JDC. i said to him, "it sounds like a bunch of consequences that don't mean anything to you." he said, "they can't do anything to me, there's nothing they can take from me, i already have nothing." he wasn't upset, just very, very candid. we talked about his perspective, what he thinks is wrong with the system, what he would do differently; he thinks re-integration with families should be the rule, not the exception. i asked him if he thought there were any circumstances in which a kid should not be re-integrated. i asked him if he thought he had been spared anything difficult by his parents' rights being severed. he said, "whatever it may have saved me from, my life still ended up being crap." i asked him if this experience has made him consider what he will do differently when he's on his own. he talked about not wanting kids until he's older, he's had some life experiences of his own, has some stability, so that kids won't seem like a burden to him or he won't resent them. my goals in this whole conversation were to validate his perspective, to get him to speak on a more personal level (hard for some kids with RAD), and to speak to him as one adult to another. you know, the reality is that people who work with foster kids aren't bad people, i know that in some cases there is just no good answer. when you are faced with leaving a kid in a dangerous situation or removing them from their family, that's not a good choice to have to make. but, it doesn't matter what the reality is, what the truth is, what matters is HIS perception of what has happened to him, because it is that perception of his experience that is shaping who he is and who he will become. he's going to have difficulty in all of his relationships for the rest of his life because he went from one terrible childhood experience straight into somewhat less-terrible-but-not-great foster homes. and, sadly, some foster homes are as abusive as the homes kids are removed from to begin with. it takes a lot more than one conversation and a few weeks of a "relationship" with a kid to make a difference, but my only hope is that he felt that i listened to him, i respected his opinion, and that there was no where else i wanted to be at that moment than having that conversation with him. should i have tried harder? should i have forced the conversation a certain way, to advise him, to try to say some comforting words? how can we ever know what is the right thing to do or say in any moment? i don't know. i'm always unsure of myself. but, i felt like it was such a delicate moment, like if i tried too hard, said too much, i might disrupt it, kill it. so, i held back and reset my expectations. i think that is ok, too.

well, that's all for now. just wanted to share.

couch time

a friend of mine calls it "couch time"... that time when you just need to sit and pour out your thoughts and worries and listen to sage or sympathetic advice. i like that term. i'm pilfering the term.

anyway, this week's "couch time" for me came in the package of another goodie from isaac anderson of jacob's well. this time about joy. this is good for me to hear. i'm not good at joy. my two primary thoughts when listening to this, however, were:

1. joy doesn't have to be the ONLY thing i am able to feel at once. i know, i know, joy isn't really a feeling, but for the sake of this thought of mine, let's just run with it. anyway, a person is capable of experiencing joy and fear, joy and sadness, joy and heartache, trouble, worry, grief, weariness, etc at once. because joy is less about all things being ok and more about experiencing all things WHILE simultaneously walking with jesus, who gives us full lives. lives that are full of all of those emotions and experiences and yet still we live.

2. isaac references a biblical analogy of joy as an object, a burden really, that one might carry around on one's head, like laundry, or a basket of food, or a load of bricks (have you SEEN those crazy national geographic photos of workers in, like, indonesia or malaysia or somewhere carrying literally loads and loads of bricks using only their heads??). this reference was vivid for me as i pondered thought #1. if joy is experienced simultaneously with myriad other emotions, positive and negative alike, then joy really is like this great burden on my head. it's there, with me, but it may not always be the easiest burden to lift. strange that i think of joy that way? it resonates with me, though, because sometimes to have joy is strangely very difficult for me.

anyway, you should listen. perhaps my thoughts will be more coherent after a listen.

Click here to listen: Joy - Isaac Anderson

the un-blog

i'm so terrible about blogging as soon as school starts... i think it's because all other areas of my life come to a screeching halt! i abandon projects on the house, i neglect my yard, i don't clean, i don't cook anything creative, i don't go anywhere or do anything interesting, and i decrease my already minimal social activity. i thought maybe i would have to turn this into an un-blog, like instead of being a blog about home renovations, photography, cooking, and decorating i would have to start writing about my FAILURE to do these things. remember when i had the anti-decorating post showing off my piles of dirty dishes and unmade bed? well, i don't think i'm quite that desperate yet, but felt the need to post about something, ANYTHING, so...

i actually feel i've done pretty well so far this school year: i've had TONS of work, with my new position as the special ed department chair (in addition to the same job i already had as special ed teacher for students with emotional and behavioral disorders), but i've managed to keep quite a few other things on my social and personal agenda! here's what i've been up to:

*reading: Major Pettigrew's Last Stand; loving the stodgy old Major and his ever-changing perceptions of people he might have once viewed through prejudicial lenses.

*running: not really that much. want to do another race in the near future but having trouble figuring out how to fit running in with work during the week. best time for me to go would be right after i get home, before dinner, but it's been SO BLASTED HOT. and i'm so darn tired right after work that usually i just plop down on the couch and then there's NO chance! i've thought about starting a series of unglamorous facebook posts about running... you know how people will post their workouts, like "i ran 29 miles and felt great!" well, good for you! aren't you just awesome! i kiss the ground you walk on! so, i thought about posting things like, "i plodded for 5 miles and felt like dog poo!" or "i dragged myself along for 3 miles and my face exploded like a bubbling volcano of fire!" what do you guys think? i think they would be very popular posts. anyway, i created a training plan for myself on runnersworld.com and do plan to give it a good effort, but so far i'm logging most of my miles on the weekends and laying big old goose-eggs on the weekdays.

*sweating: the theme of school this year so far has been: let's-see-how-many-days-the-AC-can-break-down-before-the-students-start-to-riot-and-teachers-resort-to-violent-episodes. plus we had a power outage last friday in which we first evacuated to the football field and then were told to re-enter the building and try to conduct class with no power (no lights, no AC, no phones, no computers, no projectors, no intercoms, no security cameras, no metal detectors, no common sense... oh wait, that last one is purely editorial).

*socializing: i have managed to have enough energy this year to not entirely abandon my friends! i've had some quality time with co-workers, the Timmers, Laura and Tiff for brunch, Laura and Sporting KC for some excellent soccer:

and soon to come i will be enjoying some KSU football and US Women's National Team Soccer (again with Laura... i'm getting lots of good Laura-time!).

it's amazing how full my life is now that i'm not taking classes AND working! yay!

my heart is hurting and i just do not have many words to say, for once. i am glad that he's finally free.

here are some of James' own words or verses he gave to me through letters many years ago that seem to be appropriate now:

"Remember to thank God for His Son, and every good and bad thing in your life."

"Psalm 62:8 - Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us."

"God is good, so love him."

and from his favorite Psalm:

"As for man, his days are like grass;

as a flower of the field so he flourishes.

When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,

and its place acknowledges it no longer.

But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,

and his righteousness to children's children,

to those who keep His covenant and remember His precepts to do them."

-Psalm 103:15-18

former high-capacity rule-follower trying to make a plan and stick with it

(side bar - please do not judge for it is 2:02 am and i am posting on my blog. can't sleep. no apparent reason. too hot and humid perhaps? it's uncomfortable to sleep when the backs of my knees are sweating.)

please note: this will be a rambling rant. stay with me.

so, kirk and i often talk, with no attempts to disguise our envy, of "high-capacity" people... you know the type: those people who have intense jobs, busy personal lives, loads of kids, perfect yards, and still manage to impeccably renovate their old houses, run 10 miles every morning before dawn, and cook an organic gourmet dinner every day with foods grown and harvested in their own sustainable gardens. ok, i really do not think anyone is that ideal, but my hyperbolous (i know, not a word) description appropriately illustrates the image that i think we all measure ourselves against. anyway, the bit that really causes a twinge of pain in my heart when we talk about such people is that i used to be a high capacity person and somehow lost that version of myself over the past 10 years. here's what i think has occurred:

1. i am not 20.

2. i have "adult" responsibilities now (mortgage, job, graduate school, household projects, retirement fund, the need to "keep an eye" on cholesterol).

3. i've discovered that i'm actually an introvert (for years i got by being outgoing, but really i am totally energized by time by myself and drained of energy when i do not get to be by myself).

4. i learned how to say NO. high capacity mendy cared more about being a people-pleaser than being honest. the new mendy is less afraid of offending people (believe it or not, but i really don't enjoy offending people, i'm just resigned to the fact that i probably will offend at least 5 people every day). former mendy would have agreed to coordinate this, organize that, attend this, pick up that, deliver this, schedule that, and bake 5 dozen cookies by tomorrow for the other thing... that's just not going to work for me anymore. first of all, i don't like to bake all that much. secondly, (see item #3) i don't want to be around people every waking minute of every day. thirdly, being good at planning, organizing, and other administrative duties, and enjoying them are not mutually inclusive. so, with my new self, you can pretty much count on my yes being yes and my no being no; if i say i want to do something, i probably mean it. i wouldn't agree to it otherwise... unless the consequence of saying "no" outweighs the positive effects of not being over-committed.

is this making any sense?? am i the only one that has lost the capacity to be high-capacity??

anyway, 12 years ago, not only was i high capacity, but i was also a rigid rule-follower (goes hand in hand with the people-pleasing thing). i'm not just talking about parental rules, or rules of the road, or the 10 commandments, or constitutional laws... i mean that if a person i respected or a person of authority told me "you should do x, y, and z" i did it. because they told me to. and they know what is best. and if i could not follow the "rule" i would commit myself to penance of regular doses of guilt, shame, regret, and remorse until i felt i had adequately compensated for the failure to comply.

examples:

rule: "you should do devotions every morning"

failure to comply: did not get up until 8:10 am when i have 8:30 am class halfway across town = oh crap! = no bible-reading until 10:00 pm = layer after layer of guilt slathered on my conscience until i have thoroughly shamed myself into having daily morning devotions at least 3 consecutive days!

rule: "you should not swim until 30 minutes after eating"

failure to comply: having to eat lunch was just an annoying distraction from my sole purpose for living as a child in the summer: to spend every daylight hour at the pool. so i usually wolfed down the pb & j, ran like i had ants in my pants to the pool, and cannon-balled into the deep end before 10 minutes had elapsed. result: hypochondriatic cramps in the tummy ("oh no! i'm probably dying because i ate and then swam 10 minutes later!"). cramps more likely due to the child-ulcer caused by feeling guilty for every blasted broken rule!

point being: in any given day, there are so many rules to follow/break and these rules were very important to me. so, if i made a rule for myself i was pretty good at keeping it. plus, i was a high-capacity person back then, so i could juggle quite a few rules before my systems started to shut down.

at some point, i decided to free myself of these stressful ways and began to embrace my rebellious side. this may or may not have been a noticeable change to the outside observer, but for me it was a definitive shift in my thinking. i would say there are a lot of positives that have resulted from this shift. i'm more of a grace-giver (to myself at least, and i like to think i do the same for others) and i've finally allowed myself to receive grace (that's huge, isn't it??), i've experienced new freedom (freedom to do what i'm good/gifted at, not just do what i "should"), i've mellowed out (this is virtually undetectable by anyone not inside my brain), and i'm more honest with myself. all good things.

however, i've noted a few downsides as well, chief among them is my seeming inability to STICK TO A PLAN. it's like i have commitment fears or ADHD or something. i've always been one for plans. i like to look at the big picture and break it down step by step. i like to have a goal and work toward it. i like to have time to prepare, brainstorm, sketch, collaborate, and then attack. but now, i spend time planning and preparing for ___________ (fill in the blank with any scenario... grocery list, lesson plans for school, exercise plan, healthy meals for the week, etc), but fail to follow through with the plan. i plan, but do not execute. or i change the plan mid-course to avoid failure or the discomfort of having to discipline myself. you all know what that is like, right? take new year's resolutions, for example: who among us has not started out with a supremely ambitious resolution, only to fall off the wagon by january 8th and find yourself cleverly revising the resolution?? "no soda" becomes "no soda on weekdays" and then mutates into "no soda on mondays." pretty soon, you're drinking more soda than you were before the cursed resolution was ever uttered!

so now i'm struck with the dilemma: should i keep my plans realistic and overly simplified (dumbed-down, if you will) so that they are achievable? or should i take the risk of saying the thing that i really, ultimately, want to achieve only to look a fool if i cannot accomplish it? and don't tell me that "the answer probably lies somewhere in between." well, thanks, i never thought of that (sarcasm). sure, sure, balance, moderation, whatever, that's the ideal. but if we're honest, we probably spend the majority of our time pin-balling off one extreme or the other.

i have so many things i want for myself (goals) that i'm literally afraid to say out loud, afraid to write them down, afraid to commit to them, because i'm afraid i can't achieve them. i may have been afraid to disappoint people, afraid of failure, afraid of rejection, etc as a 20-year-old, but i NEVER thought that i would not achieve the goals i had set for myself (pardon the double negative). with all the fear, anxiety, stress, insecurity and whatever else i had as a kid, it never occurred to me that i might not accomplish what i said i would do. i was ruthlessly optimistic, maybe a little naive. so, i don't know when exactly that i stopped believing that i could do anything, but that is not a good thing. that's not good fear. how can i tell my students that it's ok to experience failure, not to be afraid of it, because you'll learn from it and it will make you stronger, when i'm afraid to dream for my own self? i think it's the ultimate dilemma, isn't it? it's really impossible to achieve a personal goal that you have not set. i don't want to say it or write it for fear of letting myself down or having to face others that are actually living out their goals/dreams (isn't that the worst?! it's like looking in a mirror of everything you're not! please, you all know you think the same things!). so i could keep on NOT stating my goals, not writing down the plans for how i'm to achieve the goals, and i'll have guaranteed results: i will continue to NOT make any progress towards the fictional, imaginary goals. but, at least i will have met my expectations.

my goals for myself include how i want to spend/save my money, what projects i have in store for my house/yard, places i want to visit or live, what i want for my emotional/behavioral disorder program (EBD program for short, but i never know if people know what in the tarnation i'm talking about when i use all these acronyms!), what sort of eating habits i want to abide by, what i want to look like, what i want to accomplish as a runner, and the list just goes on. i'm sure you all have your own things to add to the list, maybe you're afraid to say it too, maybe not. maybe you're one of those darned high-capacity types that's already living out your dreams as a marathon runner/super-mom/dad/employee-of-the-month/organic gourmet chef who looks like a model and who's home is featured in House Beautiful magazine and who has raised all gifted children and prize-winning pets. in which case, i would like you to please not take it personally that i will not be able to be friends with you any longer. just kidding. no i'm not. ok maybe. not.

so here's the question: how do i make a plan (that i will stick with) for these goals? i don't want to do anything crazy that only lasts for a short while. i don't want to just run one marathon and then flame out. i want to be a runner. i don't want to do a "diet", i want to have healthy habits. kirk and i have a list of "need to do" projects for the house and then we have the "in our dreams" list, so we need to make choices and budget for them, but we also recognize that being good homeowners may mean being willing to spend some money to invest in improving the house. i don't want to make the "rules" for life too rigid to follow, yet i know that to achieve the results i have to make sacrifices. what is the right amount of sacrifice?

these are the questions that have been rattling around in my head and the conversations i've been having lately. my guess is that these are not unique to me. they're not even new revelations to me; they're recycled, revisited, and newly-worded versions of the same conflicts within myself for the past 12 years. i have no great intentions or purpose for sharing them, other than to get them off my chest, have a little fun, find the humor in life, and test the water with my proverbial tippy-toe to see if there are any like-minded people out there asking the same questions and trying to measure up to the same idealized versions of themselves. and i just really could not sleep.

a little self-admiration, if i may

earlier this month i completed my final paper, typed my last words, wrote the last sentence of many to complete my masters degree! yay! i finished my last assignment on the same day as kirk and my anniversary and it was also the busiest week of the school year, so it was a bit overlooked. but now i would like to take this moment to congratulate myself. i am asking that you now address me as "master." ok, not really, i just wanted to bask in the light of being DONE for a minute. i also found out that i finished in the top 10% of graduate students at Emporia State University. i don't know if that is very prestigious or not, since it's a rather small university. well, thanks for allowing me a braggart-y moment. it will never happen again. unless i get another masters. or a doctorate. then i'll be insufferable!

failure

i feel like i only ever write about my students when there's something sad, or dramatic, or challenging to report. perhaps it's because i need to process these moments the most and writing is a platform for reflecting. it's not that there's never any good moments to celebrate, i definitely celebrate even the smallest, tiniest of things. but sometimes celebrating can feel a little like bragging. look, basically, i just haven't posted in a few weeks and felt the need to post again and this is what is on my mind, so...

...i feel like i'm failing my students every day. i don't say this because i want or need sympathetic pats-on-the-back from anyone. i'm not asking for that. it's just how i feel almost all of the time and i need my people, my friends and family, to know that i feel it all day long every day. because it's part of me.

the fact is that i can see what my kids need and can't always give it. i've read their histories, i've talked to their doctors, parents, foster parents, case managers, court-appointed guardians, probation officers, etc and there are so many deep and troubling issues that they are dealing with every minute of their days and i KNOW that makes it impossible for them to focus on anything else, least of all algebra and history and ACTs. the fact is that i believe very much in education and the importance of having it and the scandalousness of wasting it, but there's so much more to their lives than what happens at school. i second-guess my interactions with my students all the time; i wonder if i should be teaching my classes differently, structuring my program differently; i wonder if i'm doing what's right for them, should i be more lenient, or less lenient, more flexible, or establish firmer boundaries, give more support, or let them stand on their own more. it's overwhelming to feel this way.

there's not a lot in my students' lives that i have control of. i can't change their pasts, i can't force them to make good choices or make the most of their education, and i can't force them to get enough sleep and eat the right foods and take their medications. i can't fill all the holes in their lives. they need more than i am. i only have a few hours a day, a social development class, the intervention room (the classroom i work in where kids can come get academic help or use as a place to cool down...i call it the "free speech zone" so they can say whatever they need to say without worrying about getting into trouble!), and my ED/BD "program." that's all i can control, and even those things have some parameters that i can't manipulate. so i think i get overwhelmed by trying not to mess up what little i have that i can control. it's that perfectionistic thing...i'm afraid to make a mistake, because i feel like i can't afford it, because there is already too much failure surrounding my students' lives.

sorry if that's depressing. i know i need to do this job and i know i have an opportunity to make it whatever my students need it to be, the ED/BD program, that is. i care about my students and i have to get used to dealing with a lot of sad, frustrating, and irritating situations. sometimes it just gets to me. i guess i just wanted to share that with you guys.

hard things

so, now that school has begun, i'm afraid my blog will take a slightly different turn. during the summer i had a good little run of thrifting/gardening/renovating/green/idea blog posts. and, while i think those posts are most entertaining, the reality is that i'm a teacher first and foremost and, just like my occasional sports-rants, i must indulge my need to talk about the things that occupy most of the time and energy in my one-track brain. so, if you've noticed a change, and you are expecting the thrifting/gardening/renovating/green/idea mendy, i apologize, these posts will be less frequent, but i ask that you please chalk it up to "seeing a window into my friend mendy's day."

hard things:

*there have been several tragic events that our students are dealing with: a former student was killed last week and a student's brother was killed this week, both instances being investigated as murders; many students live in neighborhoods where drugs and drop-outs are the prominent influence and it shapes their thoughts and conversations; students are working to support their families and dealing with issues of relative poverty...i don't mean to be overly dramatic or speak in cliches (you're probably thinking "this sounds like a teacher-faces-indescribable-challenges-in-an-urban-school-with-a-leather-jacket-and-a-rap-soundtrack inspirational movie i've seen before"). however, this has all been a reality for the students, and not limited to the past 2 weeks since the beginning of the new school year. and i think it's important to tell you this because this is quite different from my own experiences of the "first days" of school, and i'm sure it's different from many of yours also. i worried about what to wear on the first day of school and what friends would have lunch at the same time as me and having to share a car with my dad (injustice!). well, my students think about those things too, but they are preoccupied with much more serious things as well.

*completely unrelated to the first bullet point (because, honestly, to teach there you have to get used to those things and you can't be shocked by everything all the time), yesterday a "dark cloud of doom" hovered over me at work. (gosh - i've restarted this paragraph 4 times now because i'm trying to be careful about what i say on a public forum about my job and my students...if it seems vague, i'm sorry. please know that i LOVE my job, my colleagues, and my students, so any expression of disappointment or discouragement is temporary and not at all my general attitude) anyway, nothing was any different from the day before, my students behaved the same, the attitudes and effort i observed in students in many classes had not changed from the day before, but my own feelings of hopefulness were dampened. does this make sense? although i know that it is ludicrous to expect my students not to have behavior issues, because that is a package deal with students with behavior disorders or emotional disturbance, i found myself discouraged at lack of progress. i felt disappointed with myself because i don't have answers, or at least not any new answers, so what happens if my suggestions or solutions that worked in the past fall short? that thought made me feel desperately inadequate. i promptly called my sis on the way home from work to tell her these things and she wisely reminded me that because the only difference from monday to tuesday was how i felt that i could be assured that these feelings would soon pass. and today, there were a few small victories which lifted the "cloud" ever so slightly (see the following).

*worked with some students that were very concerned about finishing assignments and remained focused without my having to plead with them (please remember that i work with a very unique population, for which this is definitely a victory).

*had a good discussion with students about what you do does not have to be who you are (this is really important for my students who struggle to control their behavior and often feel that they are always getting into trouble for who they are) and that you can work on changing what you do to better fit your goal of who you want to become, even if it is challenging work. they seemed really to respond to this whole discussion, and eagerly dove into creating individual and group definitions of habits, looking for good quotes to discuss and share with the whole class. they seemed encouraged to have a teacher recognize their personalities and good qualities separately from their behavior. or at least i hope that is how they felt. it's hard to tell.

anyway, thanks for reading. i'm not really sure what the purpose of this post is, but sometimes there's just a lot going on and mounting up and maybe you'll think about me and my students during the day and maybe i just needed to talk about life for a bit.

p.s. cecil came in from outside smelling of cilantro. strange cat.

this is SO me...

we had a guest come to speak at our church a few weeks ago, isaac anderson, that gave a talk that was SO me that by the end i couldn't help but cry because it was so good to know that i'm not the only one that has the same neuroses. anyway, here's a link to the talk. it's about the idea that god made a decision to come near to me, and he continually makes that decision again and again. it's so good. anyway, it's about a half hour talk, but so worth it. if for nothing else it's a window into my mind. isaac starts talking at the 5:10 point.

isaac anderson - god is near

first days of school

first week of school:

*getting up at 4:50 every morning, leave the house by 6:00 am. i'm kinda proud of myself for that.

*i've had a work order to get my phone in my classroom fixed for three weeks.

*we have a paper shortage. budget cuts = paper shortage. this is ok with me as i am trying to be environmentally conscious anyway. but, it's just a reality for schools this year. it's not just paper either. teacher shortages too. most of the teachers have 30+ students in their classes. i've spent several hundred dollars in the past month on supplies, posters, and books, BOOKS for my room. i am determined that my kids will READ in my class. if you've not been in a school in the past 5 years you have no idea how difficult this simple goal is to achieve. i'll be danged (i edited myself!) if my kids don't read a gosh-darn fleeping book in my class. i told my kids that they may not like it, but we're doing it, and by this time next year they'll know that in Ms Hutson's class you're gonna read a book!

*evacuation. wednesday we had to evacuate the building because of a diesel leak. we spent 1 1/2 hours in the school's football stadium with the entire staff and student body until buses came to take the kids home. we didn't get back into the school until friday. first week of school.

i'm not going to lie, my kids are tough. i'm the third case manager they've had in 3 years and right now they could care less about me. it makes sense. they have no reason to trust me, take me for my word, believe me... that all takes time. you can't just walk in and start talking about how much you care about them. i told them on day one: things you should know about me: i am not the enemy. i know you don't know me, so you don't know if you can believe that or not, but i'm not the enemy. i'm not looking to "get" you. i don't enjoy that. but there's right and wrong and we're going to work on some things. if i have to talk to you about something, you're not in trouble, you're LEARNING. i won't assume anything about you. i won't judge you. also, i'm not perfect. you want me to give you a break from time to time? you gotta give me a break too. i have bad days, i'll make mistakes. but i'll always own them and apologize when i've been wrong. the hard part with my kids is that until they decide to respond to me, until they decide i'm the real deal and they can work with me, i can't force their hands. one student told me i'm doing ok so far. hey. i'll take it.

guys, seriously. it's like every inner-city school movie you've ever seen. please pray that i'll just love these kids well, if that's the only thing i do.

p.s. read the post from yesterday about river to well. take photos. submit them. build a well in south africa. give people fresh water.

goodbye waterdeep

on saturday, don and lori had their final waterdeep show in the KC area before moving to nashville.  they asked kirk to run sound (he's become a bit of a regular go-to guy for them lately), which is just a bittersweet, full-circle thing for him.  it's kind of his dream job to run sound for them, and just when he's become a trusted person they know to call on, they move on.  i know it was a little sad for him.  

i should say, it was a little sad to me, too.  their music has been the part of my life, like i'm sure it has for many of you, that allows me to be who i am with all the rough edges and dirty, dark corners.  their persistent honesty and raw lyrics make me feel like i belong with christ, like there's room for someone like me.  they don't clean it up, make it nice, package it just so.  i feel at home with their words.  there are a few significant things in my life that have allowed me to truly experience the gospel, the good news of grace and mercy:  waterdeep, sara groves, brennan manning's writing (e.g. ragamuffin gospel), cs lewis, being married to kirk, and working with kids that are as rough on the outside as i am inside (and sometimes outside!).  

so, thanks don and lori.  (and sara, brennan, clive, kirk, etc....)

frozen

here's a few shots from our yard this morning.  may i remind you that it is almost april???  god knows that i am trying to grow things (other than weeds) in my yard and he is trying to thwart me, i know it.  god smote my yard.  

(side note...kirk doesn't like that i didn't capitalize "god"... don't be offended... i don't capitalize anything.  it's not that i am ignorant of these basic conventions... or that i'm trying to minimize god... i'm just lazy.  i don't think god minds.)

anyway, much like my yard, i am feeling a little "frozen."  i see so many people my age that seem to have a real zest for life, pursuing their dreams, discovering themselves and their gifts for the first time, deepening their relationships with each other and with god... i feel very much on the outside of this phenomenon.  it's nobody's fault but my own, i suppose.  i don't know, did anyone else find that turning 30 left you feeling unmotivated, disappointed, and a smidge hopeless??  i have to believe it's not just me.  

i'm just not responding to life, aging, change, the unknown, very well.  i know what type of person i would want to be, i know what kinds of qualities i want to be characterized by, i know what kinds of activities i want to spend my time on... but this "mendy" is so far from the actual mendy.  i told kirk tonight that i feel discouraged by how much it would take to "right the ship."  

a quote from henri nouwen that i read recently that i found to be encouraging to me:  "keep returning to the road of freedom:  when suddenly you seem to lose all you thought you had gained, do not despair.  your healing is not a straight line.  you must expect setbacks and regressions.  don't say to yourself, 'all is lost.  i have to start all over again.'  this is not true.  what you have gained, you have gained... try to think instead as being pulled off the road for a while.  when you return to the road, you return to the place where you left it, not to where you started."

this is important to me, as i need to remember that tomorrow is a fresh opportunity to begin anew, to begin doing things that make me feel alive, even if i failed to do them yesterday (like running, praying, connecting with close friends, pursuing kirk, loving people, loving my students, being patient with co-workers, eating healthy food, serving people other than myself and for no personal gain, reading, taking photos, playing the piano, getting plenty of sleep, waking up early, listening to music, etc).  

well.  those are my thoughts.  

blogging dilemmas and life update

so, i've been a horrible blogger, just as i predicted. i can't remember the last time that i emptied my camera memory card into the computer so that i would have new pics to post...so, i've just avoided posting new blogs! i tried blogging about ksu football, but it is so depressing i can hardly speak, or i could go on for miles and miles of ranting, but i'm trying to edit myself. i avoided blogging about politics, even though i have a lot to say on the subject, but decided to inject a little political sarcasm directed at cindy mccain's outfit...then realized that even that might be offensive to people. i also have realized that i don't even really enjoy talking about politics with anyone other than kirk because my politics are a reflection of my world view...and to talk about them opens the door to people debating and disputing my world view...which hurts much worse than just an innocent little political discussion. this has left me with little to blog about!

then i realized: part of the reason i haven't been a faithful blogger is because i am just really stinking busy! 1) summer is over, school has started and all my emotional energy is focused on the students and my coworkers. 2) i began working on my masters in special ed last spring and have reinstated my teaching license. i am currently taking classes and looking for teaching jobs simultaneously. 3) we brought home another cat from the hutson farm...named percival! again, great place to post a picture of him, but it's been months since i have added new pics to the computer! 4) our trip to south africa is finally going to happen!! we will be there nov. 19-30...not only have we been busy making plans, but i am running out of days to avoid getting my vaccinations! those who know me know my position on shots! 5) we bought a house in august and have been working on a variety of projects including painting, sanding, cleaning, tearing out, re-wiring, and landscaping! again, great time for pics of the house (see mention of picture dilemma above).

so, yeah. i'm a little busy. all good stuff. all very exciting. but busy.