9.14.2011

conversations

in the past two days, i've had some tough conversations with students. tough, but good, i think. working in public school is challenging in so many ways, one of which is that we have all of these pressures and academic standards, and this high calling to push our students to academic excellence, but yet, sometimes life just gets in the way of those things, as important as they are. i sometimes catch myself inadvertently pushing away opportunities to slow down for a much-needed conversation because there's this need to hurry kids to class, make sure they don't miss instruction, can't take any extra time, go, go, go... anyway, i'm glad i slowed down for these moments:

i talked to a student who was coping with a difficult milestone, the 1-year anniversary of a best friend's suicide. the student shared about their friendship, built on the common ground of abuse suffered, her friend's heartache upon discovering she was pregnant at 14, and the moment that she learned of her friend's death. we talked about what it means to be strong, that it's ok to grieve, but also ok to be grateful for her own strength and life. i challenged her to help re-write her friend's daughter's life story, to make it a happy, joyful story, and to watch out for her friend's daughter so that she would not have to go through the same sorrows that her young mom experienced in her short life. there's no way to undo what this student has experienced already in her life, but at the very least, i want to LISTEN to her story.

today, i had a chance to talk to another student. he's been in the foster system forever, moved from home to home, has a behavior disorder which means he's a "high needs" placement. this means he's probably felt unwanted in most situations because he can be, frankly, difficult. i have a lot of students in this same situation: their transcripts are a mess, they are usually credit deficient, because they are moved frequently, change schools several times a year, they have no healthy relationships or attachments to anyone, they have no family or friends, just "workers" (case workers, therapists, psychiatrists, judges, POs, teachers... professionals, in other words). they have experienced pretty horrendous childhood traumas resulting in removal from their home. they come with a variety of mental health issues: PTSD, RAD (reactive attachment disorder - failure to form normal attachments due to abuse, neglect, etc), bipolar disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiance disorder), conduct disorder... the list goes on. i've noticed some of my male students with RAD seem to just be severely detached... they talk about extremely heartbreaking situations in a very impersonal, unaffected way. anyway, this student today walked into my room because he has basically given up on trying now that he knows he's being moved again. he talked, unemotionally, about the list of procedures and consequences he'll likely face when he's transferred: drug treatment, probation, probably some time in JDC. i said to him, "it sounds like a bunch of consequences that don't mean anything to you." he said, "they can't do anything to me, there's nothing they can take from me, i already have nothing." he wasn't upset, just very, very candid. we talked about his perspective, what he thinks is wrong with the system, what he would do differently; he thinks re-integration with families should be the rule, not the exception. i asked him if he thought there were any circumstances in which a kid should not be re-integrated. i asked him if he thought he had been spared anything difficult by his parents' rights being severed. he said, "whatever it may have saved me from, my life still ended up being crap." i asked him if this experience has made him consider what he will do differently when he's on his own. he talked about not wanting kids until he's older, he's had some life experiences of his own, has some stability, so that kids won't seem like a burden to him or he won't resent them. my goals in this whole conversation were to validate his perspective, to get him to speak on a more personal level (hard for some kids with RAD), and to speak to him as one adult to another. you know, the reality is that people who work with foster kids aren't bad people, i know that in some cases there is just no good answer. when you are faced with leaving a kid in a dangerous situation or removing them from their family, that's not a good choice to have to make. but, it doesn't matter what the reality is, what the truth is, what matters is HIS perception of what has happened to him, because it is that perception of his experience that is shaping who he is and who he will become. he's going to have difficulty in all of his relationships for the rest of his life because he went from one terrible childhood experience straight into somewhat less-terrible-but-not-great foster homes. and, sadly, some foster homes are as abusive as the homes kids are removed from to begin with. it takes a lot more than one conversation and a few weeks of a "relationship" with a kid to make a difference, but my only hope is that he felt that i listened to him, i respected his opinion, and that there was no where else i wanted to be at that moment than having that conversation with him. should i have tried harder? should i have forced the conversation a certain way, to advise him, to try to say some comforting words? how can we ever know what is the right thing to do or say in any moment? i don't know. i'm always unsure of myself. but, i felt like it was such a delicate moment, like if i tried too hard, said too much, i might disrupt it, kill it. so, i held back and reset my expectations. i think that is ok, too.

well, that's all for now. just wanted to share.

8.29.2011

couch time

a friend of mine calls it "couch time"... that time when you just need to sit and pour out your thoughts and worries and listen to sage or sympathetic advice. i like that term. i'm pilfering the term.

anyway, this week's "couch time" for me came in the package of another goodie from isaac anderson of jacob's well. this time about joy. this is good for me to hear. i'm not good at joy. my two primary thoughts when listening to this, however, were:
1. joy doesn't have to be the ONLY thing i am able to feel at once. i know, i know, joy isn't really a feeling, but for the sake of this thought of mine, let's just run with it. anyway, a person is capable of experiencing joy and fear, joy and sadness, joy and heartache, trouble, worry, grief, weariness, etc at once. because joy is less about all things being ok and more about experiencing all things WHILE simultaneously walking with jesus, who gives us full lives. lives that are full of all of those emotions and experiences and yet still we live.
2. isaac references a biblical analogy of joy as an object, a burden really, that one might carry around on one's head, like laundry, or a basket of food, or a load of bricks (have you SEEN those crazy national geographic photos of workers in, like, indonesia or malaysia or somewhere carrying literally loads and loads of bricks using only their heads??). this reference was vivid for me as i pondered thought #1. if joy is experienced simultaneously with myriad other emotions, positive and negative alike, then joy really is like this great burden on my head. it's there, with me, but it may not always be the easiest burden to lift. strange that i think of joy that way? it resonates with me, though, because sometimes to have joy is strangely very difficult for me.
anyway, you should listen. perhaps my thoughts will be more coherent after a listen.

Click here to listen: Joy - Isaac Anderson

8.23.2011

the un-blog

i'm so terrible about blogging as soon as school starts... i think it's because all other areas of my life come to a screeching halt! i abandon projects on the house, i neglect my yard, i don't clean, i don't cook anything creative, i don't go anywhere or do anything interesting, and i decrease my already minimal social activity. i thought maybe i would have to turn this into an un-blog, like instead of being a blog about home renovations, photography, cooking, and decorating i would have to start writing about my FAILURE to do these things. remember when i had the anti-decorating post showing off my piles of dirty dishes and unmade bed? well, i don't think i'm quite that desperate yet, but felt the need to post about something, ANYTHING, so...

i actually feel i've done pretty well so far this school year: i've had TONS of work, with my new position as the special ed department chair (in addition to the same job i already had as special ed teacher for students with emotional and behavioral disorders), but i've managed to keep quite a few other things on my social and personal agenda! here's what i've been up to:

*reading: Major Pettigrew's Last Stand; loving the stodgy old Major and his ever-changing perceptions of people he might have once viewed through prejudicial lenses.

*running: not really that much. want to do another race in the near future but having trouble figuring out how to fit running in with work during the week. best time for me to go would be right after i get home, before dinner, but it's been SO BLASTED HOT. and i'm so darn tired right after work that usually i just plop down on the couch and then there's NO chance! i've thought about starting a series of unglamorous facebook posts about running... you know how people will post their workouts, like "i ran 29 miles and felt great!" well, good for you! aren't you just awesome! i kiss the ground you walk on! so, i thought about posting things like, "i plodded for 5 miles and felt like dog poo!" or "i dragged myself along for 3 miles and my face exploded like a bubbling volcano of fire!" what do you guys think? i think they would be very popular posts. anyway, i created a training plan for myself on runnersworld.com and do plan to give it a good effort, but so far i'm logging most of my miles on the weekends and laying big old goose-eggs on the weekdays.

*sweating: the theme of school this year so far has been: let's-see-how-many-days-the-AC-can-break-down-before-the-students-start-to-riot-and-teachers-resort-to-violent-episodes. plus we had a power outage last friday in which we first evacuated to the football field and then were told to re-enter the building and try to conduct class with no power (no lights, no AC, no phones, no computers, no projectors, no intercoms, no security cameras, no metal detectors, no common sense... oh wait, that last one is purely editorial).

*socializing: i have managed to have enough energy this year to not entirely abandon my friends! i've had some quality time with co-workers, the Timmers, Laura and Tiff for brunch, Laura and Sporting KC for some excellent soccer:
and soon to come i will be enjoying some KSU football and US Women's National Team Soccer (again with Laura... i'm getting lots of good Laura-time!).

it's amazing how full my life is now that i'm not taking classes AND working! yay!

7.24.2011

experimenting with a new recipe (aka trying to find a cooler way to cook in this inferno we call july!)

although her toothy smile and her irritating habit of occasionally turning on a thick italian accent annoy me, i generally like the food that giada de laurentis prepares on her cooking show "giada at home." the woman adds cheese to everything, therefore she has won my heart. so, i saw this recipe on her show the other day and decided to try it with a few mendy-alterations. the recipe is for butternut squash penne.
i had sweet potato on hand, so i decided to substitute it for the butternut squash which is not in season during summer. i also decided it was entirely TOO SCORCHING to crank my poor oven in my tiny kitchen in my small (albeit quaint) house up to 450 degrees for 45-50 minutes to roast the potato and onions. i don't like to use the oven in summer if i don't have to as it damn near heats the entire house! in the winter, this is a perk, but right now it only makes me want to toss the whole idea of cooking at home out the window and instead call a favored restaurant for take out! so i thought to myself why not use the grill instead? and so i did. or rather, kirk did. i also decided to add some turkey sausage to the dish because it sounded good to me.
so here's what i used in the order of appearance:
*those turkey sausages look a bit disgusting, don't they?

in a foil packet for the grill:
chopped onions
cubed sweet potato
olive oil
salt
pepper
stove-top:
whole wheat penne pasta
chopped turkey sausage (kroger brand)

add to pasta after draining all but about 1/4 cup of the pasta cooking water:
soft goat cheese (add to the pasta while still hot and stir until creamy)
chopped fresh basil
add the heated turkey sausage and the contents of the grill packet
pepper
shaved parmesan
being an experiment of sorts, a few mishaps are bound to happen. for example, i had the grill set at too high of a heat and ended up having to cut the burnty ends off of some of the sweet potato. this resulted in far less sweet potato than i would have liked in the dish. also, i could do with or without the turkey sausage. since this was our entire meal, i'm glad we had a little more substance to the recipe, but i do think that this addition distracted from some of the great flavors of the original dish.
ok, i think i may veer away from food posts for a while. i might do a series of posts featuring different rooms in our house and some of the project ideas we have for those rooms. kirk and i have a hard time making decisions about which projects to do, which ones to abandon, and how BIG to make each project. anyone relate to that? really, there's any number of improvements, renovations, and alterations one could make to one's home, but we cannot do them all. so maybe i'll get some tips or advice from some of you with this next series of posts!

7.20.2011

good eats

i seem to have taken a lot of photos of food lately... is my subconscious trying to tell me something? do i harbor an uninhibited love of good food? can i think of nothing better to do besides eat and watch movies when it is 105 degrees outside? am i beginning to stress eat already at the thought of the impending end of summer? do i want a pizza right now? yes. so, i decided to share my cravings with you! tip: do not eat all this food in one day! or do, i won't judge.

for breakfast: a french-inspired classic of brie, fruit, and cracker (between you and me, i'd much rather have the brie and fruit accompanied by a big chunk of french bread than a measly cracker). a rare luxury of summer when i actually have/make time to eat breakfast rather than grabbing a quick protein shake to drink on my commute to work.
for lunch: a visit to one of my favorite lawrence locales... 715. love the four-cheese pizza and ginger brillante (candied ginger in sparkling wine)! they also have a list of yummy appetizers, refreshing salads, delightful atmosphere and they re-use old menus for coasters!
for an afternoon snack, or with dinner, or whenever you like: blueberry peach salsa. this is an adaptation of a mango salsa recipe i found in a magazine, but i just happen to have peaches on hand more often than mangoes. ingredients: blueberries, peaches, red onions, red peppers, jalapenos (fresh or jar), pinch of salt and sugar. serve with black bean burritos (a la black bean burrito with pineapple salsa from texas star in manhattan!), with chips, or atop grilled chicken or fish. yum.
for dinner: my attempt to recreate the sweet potato chorizo hash from the hutson's favorite brunch place in lawrence (mirth). as we sat down to eat, kirk gently reminded me that the original recipe features scrambled eggs in the mix. oops. here's what i used in order of addition to the pot:
2 tbsp butter (to sweat the onions, peppers, sweet potato, and garlic)
chopped onion
chopped red peppers
cubed sweet potato
minced garlic
low sodium chicken broth
spices: cumin, cayenne, curry powder, cinnamon
corn
kroger turkey sausage links (instead of chorizo)
chopped jalapeno
fresh spinach
shredded cheddar cheese
in hindsight, there was a little too much cheese, and it would have been good with eggs, maybe a little less sausage. ah well. next time. this is why i don't use recipes... i change it up each time anyway!

7.11.2011

What the USA vs Brazil Soccer game means for women's sports (at least read PART ONE even if you normally skip my sports posts!)

I cannot adequately describe the impact of Sunday's Women's World Cup quarterfinal game (USA vs Brazil) without first establishing the foundation of women's sports in the U.S. and the history of our country's meager interest in this largely international sport. Therefore, this post will be a two-part post: first to give some background and then to address this undeniably amazing game. If you're not a sports-minded soul, like myself, at least read part one, especially if you have any investment in women's roles in sports or if you have children that are girls that are strong, driven, competitive, ambitious, and display capacity for leadership and teamwork as they may one day desire to play sports or participate in a field that once belonged exclusively to men. The story of women's soccer in this country is inspiring to all those girls that delight in play, who want nothing more than to run around in the grass letting their skin soak up the sun, get into a bit of dirt, run hard and fast, sweat, suck deep breaths of air into the lungs, feel the strength of tired and sore muscles and earn badges of bruises playing their sport.

PART ONE:
Prior to Title IX (1972), there were few, if any opportunities for women in sports. There was no support, interest, or funding for women's sports, as well as non-athletic activities, in schools at all levels. To women my age or younger, it may be challenging to have a sense of the deprivation as we have never been without these opportunities. One cannot miss what one has always had. When I was quite young my mother was a runner, training for a marathon. I started running little 5k races with her when I was 4 years old. This seemed normal to me, it was always part of my life for as long as my memory stretches. I remember thinking my mom was a bit of a rock star because of all her running. I also remember being shocked when she told me that she was not athletic at all when she was in high school in the late 1960's. At that time, the only women's sports available at her school were tennis and cheerleading. She attended one of the largest high schools in the state, so it was not due to lack of resources (side note: perhaps some of you from smaller towns/schools have your own stories to share about lack of opportunities). Anyway, my mom is muscular and athletic even though she is petite. She was not stereotypically feminine, graceful, or coordinated, so cheerleading was not a viable option for her. She is competitive but also has a great sense of community and companionship, therefore tennis was too individualistic for my mom. In the 1970's, mom became an aerobics instructor, but team sports would never be an option for her. In the 1980's when she began running this was considered too masculine and training takes time, of which young moms just do not have much. This is especially frustrating for me to consider since team sports and running are two things that I have thoroughly enjoyed for my entire life. I participated in everything from swim lessons, to gymnastics, and little league volleyball and basketball... I couldn't get enough! I was never a star, far from it, but I had the mind for most any sport, and I loved working HARD, being challenged. Sports were also a way for me to spend quality time with my dad as I pounced on any and every opportunity to go to KSU basketball and football games with my dad. I listened to Royal's games on the radio with dad and watched Sunday NFL football while he snoozed on the couch and I even loved going to his rec-league softball games every week of summer. Could not get enough. When I think of my mom as a runner, an unpopular choice for women at the time, I am amazed at the shift in perception that has taken place since then. Running is this thing of awe, something that people admire, aspire to, and we respect strong women more now, I think. Personally, running is the hardest, and most rewarding, thing I do. I love the freedom, love having strong legs, and love the feeling of absolute exhaustion and satisfaction when I accomplish every run. I can't imagine being disregarded as "too masculine" because of it.

Anyway, because of Title IX, more and more opportunities for women's sports began to creep into schools, city recreation leagues, and universities. But, it would still be a long road to develop all of the layers that lead to professional women's sports. The members of the US Women's Soccer team that won the 1999 World Cup were forged in university club and varsity teams that were still in their infancy in terms of development. Julie Foudy was the first female scholarship player for Stanford University, and even she did not earn this scholarship until she was a senior in 1991. A more personal perspective: my high school (one of the largest in the state of Kansas at the time) did not have a girl's soccer program until my freshman year in 1994. And some schools that our Manhattan High boy's soccer team played against had one or two female members as their schools still did not have girl's teams. This is just over a decade ago, not all that ancient of history!

So, when the women's national soccer team began to put their stamp on the world of soccer, it really was a story of tenacity, adversity, and determination to play the sport they loved. The U.S. hosted the 1999 WWC and were able to sell out american football stadiums, the same stadiums that hosted the men's WC in 1994! In fact, the women were filling the stands more emphatically even than some of the teams to whom the stadiums belonged! Imagine it: there were nearly 80,000 red, white, and blue fans in support of women's soccer in the NY Football Giants home stadium! When was the last time the Giants sold out? Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so. Soccer has a hard time gaining any momentum in this country, which I hope is at least in the process of changing. When those soccer phenoms captured the hearts of the U.S. it was not only unprecedented for women's sports, it represented an astronomical leap in the popularity of soccer overall... something the U.S. men's soccer program had failed to accomplish thus far.

For more on the amazing 1999 World Cup and to see interviews with the stars of that team you can watch the video below (about 8 minutes long).


If you don't really care about sports please desist from reading after part one. But, if you love me (hehehe) or if you really have just been longing to hear my breakdown of Sunday's amazing game and you're hanging on my every word, well then, by all means, read on. If you've read this far, I will wrap up part one by saying that I am ecstatic that women's sports have continued to press on and advance despite resistance. I listen to sports radio quite a lot and it's hurtful to hear the mockery of women's sports and the general misogynistic perspectives of female athletes. I understand that in terms of popularity, women's sports have a lot of catching up to do and will probably never surpass football or men's basketball, and I think that is ok. Parity is good and necessary in some places, but it never made anyone better or stronger. As long as football and men's basketball are winning the popularity contests, female athletes will always have something higher to strive for and they will keep getting stronger and more skilled. But, I wish that some of those radio guys would take a cue from the male professional athletes that have gushed about US Women's Soccer in the past few days. I delighted to hear quote after quote, tweet after tweet on ESPN after Sunday night's game, from NBA and NFL players saying how inspired they were by the women's team. In the early 2000's, before KSU men's basketball saw it's renaissance under Frank Martin, the talk of the town was KSU women's basketball and Deb Patterson, Nicole Ohlde, Laurie Koehn, and Kendra Wecker (to name a few). I remember sitting in Bramlage watching this amazing, tough team compete. Across the stadium, I could see the men's basketball team sitting among the fans, cheering for and admiring these "girls" and instructed by their coaches to learn from how this team worked together, to watch Laurie Koehn's form and her incredible range, to take note of Ohlde's presence and her powerful ability to create space on the post. I went to KSU volleyball games and saw football players on the front row of the stands, the loudest (and largest) supporters of those hard-hitting volleyball women! There's a lot to be learned from female athletes; how they compete, how they strive, how they persevere.

Whew! That's a lot of words! So, onto part two: my analysis of the 2011 WWC quarterfinal game between USA and Brazil.

PART TWO:
This was not the quarterfinal game I, as a fan, wanted us to play. I would have preferred to play Australia, but in our final game of group play the US team lost to Sweden, thereby surrendering the top position in the group. Sweden claimed the top spot and the far "easier" match-up with the Aussies for their quarterfinal, while the US as the #2 team in the group was set to face the Brazilians. Brazil, with the United States and Germany, is one of the top 3 teams in the WORLD. They have a front 3 that is the envy of most national teams in Marta, Rosana, and Cristiane. These ladies can DANCE with the ball; their feet are quick and rhythmical and deceptive. Marta is the 5 time world player of the year. This was going to be the toughest quarterfinal match-up. So, when at the 74 second mark, literally the opening seconds of the game, Shannon Boxx crossed a ball from the left corner into Brazil's defensive box and it deflected off of a tangle of USA's Abby Wambach and Brazil's goalkeeper and defender (Daiane) into the goal putting the US up 1-0, I released a very satisfying breath of sweet relief. I did not have to fear this game any longer. The stomach ache I had been nursing since 6 am began to recede.

At this point, my mind was able to slow down enough to appreciate a few key factors, the first being that USA coach Pia Sundhage made some adjustments to our defense that were necessary and important. Marta is fast and tricky and wants to go one-on-one with defenders all day long. She plays on the right side of Brazil's offense which corresponds with the left, and typically slower, side of the USA defense. Buehler is a bulldog of a player (Kirk calls her a football player because she drives in with her shoulder like she's a linebacker), but she's slow and I was not thrilled at the thought of seeing her backpeddling at Marta's heels. So when I saw that coach decided to switch Buehler to the right side of our D and put Rampone on the left, I thought, "that's exactly what I would have done!" Another key factor: I have not been terribly impressed by our mid-field play during this tournament (Boxx and Lloyd seem a little slow, our midfield can't seem to possess the ball for more than 1-2 passes, and our placement is not always accurate) but I was glad to see Shannon Boxx start strong with that cross early in the game and felt that our midfield would put pressure on Brazil's back line since they only put 3 defenders back. Finally, I was glad to see that our defense was crashing to the ball anytime Brazil's front 3 touched the ball, giving them space in the midfield but creating a lot of traffic in front of goal to prevent those 3 from weaving and dribbling around too much. We made it to half time and well into the second half with that 1-0 lead but I felt that Brazil was playing more aggressive as the game went along and this made me nervous. And then "it" happened. The worst.

In the 66th minute, Marta got the ball past our defenders and was hurtling toward the goal, elbow to elbow with Buehler, wrestling and battling, and then she leapt into the air and tumbled to the ground in front of the goal. The referee blew her whistle, which I thought strange since it appeared to me that both players were equally aggressive, so I was unsure who the foul was on. And then my stomach sank, absolutely dropped, when she pulled out her red card and walked toward Buehler. Not only a penalty in the box (giving Brazil a one-on-one penalty kick against goalie Hope Solo), but a red card sending Buehler out of the game and the US team would have to play short one player for the remainder of the game. The stadium was incensed, Ian Darke and Julie Foudy, who were commentating the game, could not believe that a call of this magnitude was being made to impact this game. In fact, it was so bizarre that neither of them really understood what was happening, it was that unclear. Cristiane lined up to take the PK for Brazil, struck the ball, and Hope Solo made the most unlikely of saves! I went from total despondency to elation in a matter of seconds! We were still leading 1-0!!! The US team was celebrating the save with Solo, the fans were cheering, it was jubilation! But wait, what's this? Why is Marta carrying the ball to the PK line? What? The referee says what? She says it's a re-kick? But why? No one knows. Hope Solo is being given a yellow card? Why? What is happening? Before any of these questions can be answered Marta takes the PK and buries it in the back of the net to tie the game. And now we have to somehow try to tie or, even more doubtful, win with only 10 players to Brazil's 11. The reason for the re-kick, by the way, was encroachment. The goalie is not allowed to leave the line and the other players must remain behind the 18-yard line until the ball is kicked. From replays it does not appear that Hope Solo left the line early, she moves laterally which is legal, and maybe, MAYBE steps forward ever so slightly, but even Ian Darke stated that he's seen much more leniency than this toward that particular law. Upon close examination of replay, it appears that one of the US players stepped into the corner of the 18-yard box just as the ball was being struck, but again, this is rarely, if ever, called because it does not impede on the player's ability to strike the PK. Overall, highly questionable.

Well, this is just a horrendous moment. I can't imagine a team being able to overcome the physical challenge of being down to 10 players (it's exhausting, you spend a lot of time "chasing" the ball, and you cannot send players on offensive attacks for fear of leaving the defense vulnerable) as well as rising up from the emotional letdown and rage that the players on the field must all be feeling at this moment. When athletes are angry two things can happen: either they start to play "stupid" making mental mistakes out of frustration, or they play more determined, more driven, more aggressive than ever. Amazingly, the US women at this point appear to play with renewed verve, rather than being dejected and sullen. They seem to have fresh legs, they play a better possession game, especially possessing it from the midfield, they mount attacks offensively and create opportunities for corner kicks or free kicks that they weren't even able to muster when they had 11 players on the pitch. Rapinoe and Morgan sub in and give the US fresh bursts of energy. Not one player looks worried, bitter, or resentful. Not one player complains. They just go hard for the final 24 minutes of regulation and force the game into overtime by holding onto the tie. Already this has been a feat. Now, they have to try to maintain this tie, or miraculously try to win, in overtime which consists of two 15-minute periods. If, at the end of the extra 30 minutes, the game is still tied, it will go to penalty kicks... 5 PKs for each team. At this point, I'm hoping just to make it to the PK's because I am skeptical that we can manage a win. I have never watched a soccer game in which the team with only 10 players was able to score to win. I have only ever seen teams hold on for a tie. So, I'm doubtful. And then, within a few short minutes, doubtful became hopeless.

Two minutes into the first 15-minute overtime period, Brazil unveiled an offensive strike from the right corner of our defense that broke my heart. A quick pass to a Brazilian midfielder that appeared to be offsides froze our defense and Boxx turned her sights away from Marta for only a second to check for the offsides flag. That second was all Marta needed to receive the assist from her teammate before she chipped the ball over the US defense to the far post, and it deflected off the post, past Solo into the net. The offsides no-call was so close and I probably would have objectively maintained my sanity had this officiating crew not already ruined this game for me 1000 times over! By this point, Ian Darke and Julie Foudy have abandoned any efforts to withhold criticism of the officiating in this game. Julie put it best when she said that it is never good for officials to insert themselves too much into a game. She lamented that players want to leave a game knowing that it was won or lost on the pitch by the players, not because referees became too involved in creating or denying opportunities.

This is now an insurmountable task for the US team. To come from behind (down 2-1), in overtime, with only 10 players has never been done in the history of the world cup. But still, this team forged ahead. Their faces were set with determination and grit. They attacked harder, faster, and their fitness was far superior to that of Brazil's. Team leaders like O'Reilly and Wambach shouted motivation and encouragement to their teammates, pumping life into the team. Brazil began to play a limp, passive game of time-wasting and antics. They looked spent, weak, and you could practically see the lactic acid rising to their eyeballs. The worst gamesmanship by Brazil occurred simultaneously as USA's desperation was at it's peak, at the 113th minute, with only 7 minutes remaining in overtime. Over the course of the game, the crowd had gradually turned against Brazil, raining boos and whistles down whenever Marta touched the ball or a Brazilian player overtly wasted time or argued with the referee. In the 113th minute, a Brazilian defender, Erika, walked along, watched as the ball rolled out of bounds, and then suddenly, as if struck by an invisible bolt of the most devastatingly crippling lightning, she fell to the ground grasping her back. She rolled and winced, flopping on the ground for several minutes, calling the referee over. Then, she stood up, but several teammates around her appeared to tell her to lay back down and waste more time so she fell again, this time requiring the services of a stretcher. The stretcher carried the poor fragile Erika off the field and no sooner did she cross that line but she was miraculously cured of her non-existing ailment and ran back to re-enter the game! The fans had nothing good to say about that stunt, to be sure! And the referee did not appreciate this patronization either, for Erika was promptly awarded a yellow card. But all of this is of no import because I am watching my beloved team desperately try to get this game restarted and they now only have minutes to try to score a goal to tie this game and send it to PKs! They charged and they crossed the ball and they had a corner and they took shots that flew over the goal, but nothing was very promising to go in. The referee announced that there would be 3 minutes of added time due to the "injuries" so it is now the 120th minute and we know time has all but run out. Ian Darke states that this will be the worst WC finish to date for the USA team.

And then Cristiane has the ball deep in our right defensive corner ready to strike. But our defense takes it away and dishes it off to midfielder Lloyd, who carries it from the right to the left side, nearly losing it before she just barely gets the pass off to Rapinoe who is charging up the left flank. Rapinoe dishes up the. perfect. cross high and arcing to the far post and...

The game is tied!! The game is tied!! In the 122nd minute, Abby Wambach ties the game and we're going to PKs!!!!! New life! This is the latest goal ever scored in the history of WWC!!!

And now, I know we will win. I know Hope Solo will not surrender all 5 PKs, I know she will stop one, make one precious save. I know we will make all 5 of our goals. I just know.

Shannon Boxx is up first. She takes the strike and Brazil's keeper stops it, but... she left the line too early, obviously, undeniably, the ref must give a re-kick. And this one, Boxx does not miss. USA 1.
Cristiane takes the first Brazilian PK and makes it. Brazil 1.
Lloyd is up and she makes it... USA 2.
Marta sinks it... Brazil 2.
Wambach, nails it... USA 3.
And then, Julie Foudy says "here comes Daiane for Brazil, she does not look confident, I think Hope has this one" and Daiane strikes it to Solo's right side, low on the ground, Solo dives, arms outstretched and blocks the shot with just her right hand and she has the one save she needed! She throws her arms up in celebration while rolling out of her dive and the stadium erupts in absolute hysterics! USA 3, Brazil 2.
Next up for USA is Rapinoe, who does not miss... USA 4.
Some player who's name I cannot remember takes PK #4 for Brazil and makes it, still some life left for them if we miss our last PK... Brazil 3.
Last up for USA is Krieger, a defender (reminiscent of defender Brandi Chastain's PK, with her weaker left foot, to win the WWC in 1999) and all she has to do is make this goal and the US have won 5-3 by PKs...
...and she places it with precision in the corner of the goal out of the reach of Brazil's keeper and we have won this unbelievable game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am screaming and crying and the most guttural sounds are spilling out of my throat! Madly texting my friend Laura in celebration! Running circles around the coffee table in the living room! Calling Kirk on the phone to try to recount for him the story of this game but he cannot discern a word that I'm screaming into the phone, of course! Jubilation!

By far the greatest sports moment in my recent memory. Maybe tied with the 1999 WWC win against China, KSU football win over OU in the Big XII Championship, Jordan draining 3's on Utah while visibly battling the flu, Vince Young leading Texas to a late-game win over USC in the BCS Championship game... it was that good.

Here's what I found the most astounding... several players, when interviewed after the game, said the exact same thing, that they knew they were still in it. Julie Foudy commented that she never really believed Germany would snap out of it to beat Japan, but that she didn't feel like the US was out of this game, even when they were down players! Even down to the last seconds of overtime while they were still losing 2-1, they knew they had a chance. Really????? Did you? DID YOU??? Because I thought there was NO WAY! It was so unlikely for them to win. It was so much more likely that you would see them fold, see them give up, lose hope, play flat, give up more goals, play frustrated, make more mistakes and descend into the depths of sports despair. Why is this more likely? Because you see it all the time, in any sport. When teams are faced with unexpected obstacles, they don't know how to handle it. Teams that are used to winning don't know how to come from behind to win. Teams are dealt the proverbial devastating blow and they just never recover. But this USA team was dealt blow, after blow, after blow, and they just did not surrender. They actually got better and stronger as the game went longer. I have not seen anything like it. Remarkable. My final parting wisdom is really more of a tip: Tivo the replay immediately. I made Kirk watch the game in it's entirety tonight, even knowing the outcome, and his response, his expressions at each glorious and heart-breaking moment, were classic! He kept saying, "And I even KNEW what would happen!!" Watch it. Worth it.

7.03.2011

nonsensical words

If you read my posts at all, you've probably noticed my fondness for creating my own vocabulary, taking a bit of liberty with words, if you will. I like to think that JK Rowling and I have this in common! (side note: I'm writing this as I watch the first 6.5 Harry Potter movies on Blu Ray in preparation for the final movie!) Anyway, in honor of made-up words, I've included a few gems from the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational (my comments in italics):
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are some of the winners:

*Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

*Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

*Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

*Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

*Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

*Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

*Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

*Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

*Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. Apparently this definition was written by Miss Teen South Carolina ("like such as")

*Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. I am still in training for a decafalon, it should be noted, as I have yet to complete one single day eating only healthy foods!

*Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

*Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. This is a close cousin to the strange halting-then-sprinting dance I did upon encountering a large snake on the trails while going for a run.

*Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

*Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:

*Coffee, n: The person upon whom one coughs.

*Flabbergasted, adj.: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. Love this one! The definition. Not the state of being flabbergasted, I should clarify.

*Abdicate, v.: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. I'm not quite ready to abdicate yet... still optimistically searching for those strong muscles that once existed in my torso region!

*Esplanade, v.: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

*Negligent, adj.: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. I can relate to this, although I do not own any nightgowns... what would be the word for answering the door wearing glasses, flannel pajama pants, with a good case of bed-head and bra-less at 2:00 in the afternoon?

*Lymph, v.: To walk with a lisp.

*Gargoyle, n.: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

*Flatulence, n.: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

*Balderdash, n.: A rapidly receding hairline. Oh Kirk. Wah wah wah.

*Testicle, n.: A humorous question on an exam.

*Rectitude, n.: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

*Pokemon, n.: A Rastafarian proctologist.

*Oyster, n.: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

*Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

*Circumvent, n.: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

6.27.2011

my heart is hurting and i just do not have many words to say, for once. i am glad that he's finally free.

here are some of James' own words or verses he gave to me through letters many years ago that seem to be appropriate now:
"Remember to thank God for His Son, and every good and bad thing in your life."
"Psalm 62:8 - Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us."
"God is good, so love him."

and from his favorite Psalm:
"As for man, his days are like grass;
as a flower of the field so he flourishes.
When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
and its place acknowledges it no longer.
But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
and his righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep His covenant and remember His precepts to do them."
-Psalm 103:15-18

6.15.2011

former high-capacity rule-follower trying to make a plan and stick with it

(side bar - please do not judge for it is 2:02 am and i am posting on my blog. can't sleep. no apparent reason. too hot and humid perhaps? it's uncomfortable to sleep when the backs of my knees are sweating.)

please note: this will be a rambling rant. stay with me.

so, kirk and i often talk, with no attempts to disguise our envy, of "high-capacity" people... you know the type: those people who have intense jobs, busy personal lives, loads of kids, perfect yards, and still manage to impeccably renovate their old houses, run 10 miles every morning before dawn, and cook an organic gourmet dinner every day with foods grown and harvested in their own sustainable gardens. ok, i really do not think anyone is that ideal, but my hyperbolous (i know, not a word) description appropriately illustrates the image that i think we all measure ourselves against. anyway, the bit that really causes a twinge of pain in my heart when we talk about such people is that i used to be a high capacity person and somehow lost that version of myself over the past 10 years. here's what i think has occurred:
1. i am not 20.
2. i have "adult" responsibilities now (mortgage, job, graduate school, household projects, retirement fund, the need to "keep an eye" on cholesterol).
3. i've discovered that i'm actually an introvert (for years i got by being outgoing, but really i am totally energized by time by myself and drained of energy when i do not get to be by myself).
4. i learned how to say NO. high capacity mendy cared more about being a people-pleaser than being honest. the new mendy is less afraid of offending people (believe it or not, but i really don't enjoy offending people, i'm just resigned to the fact that i probably will offend at least 5 people every day). former mendy would have agreed to coordinate this, organize that, attend this, pick up that, deliver this, schedule that, and bake 5 dozen cookies by tomorrow for the other thing... that's just not going to work for me anymore. first of all, i don't like to bake all that much. secondly, (see item #3) i don't want to be around people every waking minute of every day. thirdly, being good at planning, organizing, and other administrative duties, and enjoying them are not mutually inclusive. so, with my new self, you can pretty much count on my yes being yes and my no being no; if i say i want to do something, i probably mean it. i wouldn't agree to it otherwise... unless the consequence of saying "no" outweighs the positive effects of not being over-committed.

is this making any sense?? am i the only one that has lost the capacity to be high-capacity??

anyway, 12 years ago, not only was i high capacity, but i was also a rigid rule-follower (goes hand in hand with the people-pleasing thing). i'm not just talking about parental rules, or rules of the road, or the 10 commandments, or constitutional laws... i mean that if a person i respected or a person of authority told me "you should do x, y, and z" i did it. because they told me to. and they know what is best. and if i could not follow the "rule" i would commit myself to penance of regular doses of guilt, shame, regret, and remorse until i felt i had adequately compensated for the failure to comply.
examples:
rule: "you should do devotions every morning"
failure to comply: did not get up until 8:10 am when i have 8:30 am class halfway across town = oh crap! = no bible-reading until 10:00 pm = layer after layer of guilt slathered on my conscience until i have thoroughly shamed myself into having daily morning devotions at least 3 consecutive days!

rule: "you should not swim until 30 minutes after eating"
failure to comply: having to eat lunch was just an annoying distraction from my sole purpose for living as a child in the summer: to spend every daylight hour at the pool. so i usually wolfed down the pb & j, ran like i had ants in my pants to the pool, and cannon-balled into the deep end before 10 minutes had elapsed. result: hypochondriatic cramps in the tummy ("oh no! i'm probably dying because i ate and then swam 10 minutes later!"). cramps more likely due to the child-ulcer caused by feeling guilty for every blasted broken rule!

point being: in any given day, there are so many rules to follow/break and these rules were very important to me. so, if i made a rule for myself i was pretty good at keeping it. plus, i was a high-capacity person back then, so i could juggle quite a few rules before my systems started to shut down.

at some point, i decided to free myself of these stressful ways and began to embrace my rebellious side. this may or may not have been a noticeable change to the outside observer, but for me it was a definitive shift in my thinking. i would say there are a lot of positives that have resulted from this shift. i'm more of a grace-giver (to myself at least, and i like to think i do the same for others) and i've finally allowed myself to receive grace (that's huge, isn't it??), i've experienced new freedom (freedom to do what i'm good/gifted at, not just do what i "should"), i've mellowed out (this is virtually undetectable by anyone not inside my brain), and i'm more honest with myself. all good things.

however, i've noted a few downsides as well, chief among them is my seeming inability to STICK TO A PLAN. it's like i have commitment fears or ADHD or something. i've always been one for plans. i like to look at the big picture and break it down step by step. i like to have a goal and work toward it. i like to have time to prepare, brainstorm, sketch, collaborate, and then attack. but now, i spend time planning and preparing for ___________ (fill in the blank with any scenario... grocery list, lesson plans for school, exercise plan, healthy meals for the week, etc), but fail to follow through with the plan. i plan, but do not execute. or i change the plan mid-course to avoid failure or the discomfort of having to discipline myself. you all know what that is like, right? take new year's resolutions, for example: who among us has not started out with a supremely ambitious resolution, only to fall off the wagon by january 8th and find yourself cleverly revising the resolution?? "no soda" becomes "no soda on weekdays" and then mutates into "no soda on mondays." pretty soon, you're drinking more soda than you were before the cursed resolution was ever uttered!

so now i'm struck with the dilemma: should i keep my plans realistic and overly simplified (dumbed-down, if you will) so that they are achievable? or should i take the risk of saying the thing that i really, ultimately, want to achieve only to look a fool if i cannot accomplish it? and don't tell me that "the answer probably lies somewhere in between." well, thanks, i never thought of that (sarcasm). sure, sure, balance, moderation, whatever, that's the ideal. but if we're honest, we probably spend the majority of our time pin-balling off one extreme or the other.

i have so many things i want for myself (goals) that i'm literally afraid to say out loud, afraid to write them down, afraid to commit to them, because i'm afraid i can't achieve them. i may have been afraid to disappoint people, afraid of failure, afraid of rejection, etc as a 20-year-old, but i NEVER thought that i would not achieve the goals i had set for myself (pardon the double negative). with all the fear, anxiety, stress, insecurity and whatever else i had as a kid, it never occurred to me that i might not accomplish what i said i would do. i was ruthlessly optimistic, maybe a little naive. so, i don't know when exactly that i stopped believing that i could do anything, but that is not a good thing. that's not good fear. how can i tell my students that it's ok to experience failure, not to be afraid of it, because you'll learn from it and it will make you stronger, when i'm afraid to dream for my own self? i think it's the ultimate dilemma, isn't it? it's really impossible to achieve a personal goal that you have not set. i don't want to say it or write it for fear of letting myself down or having to face others that are actually living out their goals/dreams (isn't that the worst?! it's like looking in a mirror of everything you're not! please, you all know you think the same things!). so i could keep on NOT stating my goals, not writing down the plans for how i'm to achieve the goals, and i'll have guaranteed results: i will continue to NOT make any progress towards the fictional, imaginary goals. but, at least i will have met my expectations.

my goals for myself include how i want to spend/save my money, what projects i have in store for my house/yard, places i want to visit or live, what i want for my emotional/behavioral disorder program (EBD program for short, but i never know if people know what in the tarnation i'm talking about when i use all these acronyms!), what sort of eating habits i want to abide by, what i want to look like, what i want to accomplish as a runner, and the list just goes on. i'm sure you all have your own things to add to the list, maybe you're afraid to say it too, maybe not. maybe you're one of those darned high-capacity types that's already living out your dreams as a marathon runner/super-mom/dad/employee-of-the-month/organic gourmet chef who looks like a model and who's home is featured in House Beautiful magazine and who has raised all gifted children and prize-winning pets. in which case, i would like you to please not take it personally that i will not be able to be friends with you any longer. just kidding. no i'm not. ok maybe. not.

so here's the question: how do i make a plan (that i will stick with) for these goals? i don't want to do anything crazy that only lasts for a short while. i don't want to just run one marathon and then flame out. i want to be a runner. i don't want to do a "diet", i want to have healthy habits. kirk and i have a list of "need to do" projects for the house and then we have the "in our dreams" list, so we need to make choices and budget for them, but we also recognize that being good homeowners may mean being willing to spend some money to invest in improving the house. i don't want to make the "rules" for life too rigid to follow, yet i know that to achieve the results i have to make sacrifices. what is the right amount of sacrifice?

these are the questions that have been rattling around in my head and the conversations i've been having lately. my guess is that these are not unique to me. they're not even new revelations to me; they're recycled, revisited, and newly-worded versions of the same conflicts within myself for the past 12 years. i have no great intentions or purpose for sharing them, other than to get them off my chest, have a little fun, find the humor in life, and test the water with my proverbial tippy-toe to see if there are any like-minded people out there asking the same questions and trying to measure up to the same idealized versions of themselves. and i just really could not sleep.

6.10.2011

nerdy school teacher art

last month, i spent a fun weekend in KC and, among the many various activities, we visited the flea markets in the old west bottoms. i was obsessed with all of the vintage fans, dressers, and globes, of course, as i seem to have a compulsive magnetism towards them. but, i managed to control myself and came away with this incredibly colorful old pull down map of kansas. isn't it great? much cheaper than any piece of artwork of the same size! and it seems to fit with my nerdy teachery self!
i wasn't sure of the best way to hang it and finally decided on a pair of antique wooden clothing hangers. here's the inspiration for that lovely idea (courtesy of design*sponge blog).