here's a few shots from our yard this morning. may i remind you that it is almost april??? god knows that i am trying to grow things (other than weeds) in my yard and he is trying to thwart me, i know it. god smote my yard.
(side note...kirk doesn't like that i didn't capitalize "god"... don't be offended... i don't capitalize anything. it's not that i am ignorant of these basic conventions... or that i'm trying to minimize god... i'm just lazy. i don't think god minds.)
anyway, much like my yard, i am feeling a little "frozen." i see so many people my age that seem to have a real zest for life, pursuing their dreams, discovering themselves and their gifts for the first time, deepening their relationships with each other and with god... i feel very much on the outside of this phenomenon. it's nobody's fault but my own, i suppose. i don't know, did anyone else find that turning 30 left you feeling unmotivated, disappointed, and a smidge hopeless?? i have to believe it's not just me.
i'm just not responding to life, aging, change, the unknown, very well. i know what type of person i would want to be, i know what kinds of qualities i want to be characterized by, i know what kinds of activities i want to spend my time on... but this "mendy" is so far from the actual mendy. i told kirk tonight that i feel discouraged by how much it would take to "right the ship."
a quote from henri nouwen that i read recently that i found to be encouraging to me: "keep returning to the road of freedom: when suddenly you seem to lose all you thought you had gained, do not despair. your healing is not a straight line. you must expect setbacks and regressions. don't say to yourself, 'all is lost. i have to start all over again.' this is not true. what you have gained, you have gained... try to think instead as being pulled off the road for a while. when you return to the road, you return to the place where you left it, not to where you started."
this is important to me, as i need to remember that tomorrow is a fresh opportunity to begin anew, to begin doing things that make me feel alive, even if i failed to do them yesterday (like running, praying, connecting with close friends, pursuing kirk, loving people, loving my students, being patient with co-workers, eating healthy food, serving people other than myself and for no personal gain, reading, taking photos, playing the piano, getting plenty of sleep, waking up early, listening to music, etc).
well. those are my thoughts.