here's a few shots from our yard this morning.  may i remind you that it is almost april???  god knows that i am trying to grow things (other than weeds) in my yard and he is trying to thwart me, i know it.  god smote my yard.  

(side note...kirk doesn't like that i didn't capitalize "god"... don't be offended... i don't capitalize anything.  it's not that i am ignorant of these basic conventions... or that i'm trying to minimize god... i'm just lazy.  i don't think god minds.)

anyway, much like my yard, i am feeling a little "frozen."  i see so many people my age that seem to have a real zest for life, pursuing their dreams, discovering themselves and their gifts for the first time, deepening their relationships with each other and with god... i feel very much on the outside of this phenomenon.  it's nobody's fault but my own, i suppose.  i don't know, did anyone else find that turning 30 left you feeling unmotivated, disappointed, and a smidge hopeless??  i have to believe it's not just me.  

i'm just not responding to life, aging, change, the unknown, very well.  i know what type of person i would want to be, i know what kinds of qualities i want to be characterized by, i know what kinds of activities i want to spend my time on... but this "mendy" is so far from the actual mendy.  i told kirk tonight that i feel discouraged by how much it would take to "right the ship."  

a quote from henri nouwen that i read recently that i found to be encouraging to me:  "keep returning to the road of freedom:  when suddenly you seem to lose all you thought you had gained, do not despair.  your healing is not a straight line.  you must expect setbacks and regressions.  don't say to yourself, 'all is lost.  i have to start all over again.'  this is not true.  what you have gained, you have gained... try to think instead as being pulled off the road for a while.  when you return to the road, you return to the place where you left it, not to where you started."

this is important to me, as i need to remember that tomorrow is a fresh opportunity to begin anew, to begin doing things that make me feel alive, even if i failed to do them yesterday (like running, praying, connecting with close friends, pursuing kirk, loving people, loving my students, being patient with co-workers, eating healthy food, serving people other than myself and for no personal gain, reading, taking photos, playing the piano, getting plenty of sleep, waking up early, listening to music, etc).  

well.  those are my thoughts.  


Patrick said...


Kyle said...

We've all been there. What triggers it can be a variety of things. I hardly noticed my 30th, but I think that's more typical of men than of women.

Keep going! There are times you can only trudge along and times you can sprint.

Michelle said...

Mendy, you are not alone in this. When we start thinking we're doing (being, living, sharing, reading, learning, etc) enough, we stop truly living. You are a living and breathing example of an examined life.

"An unexamined life is not worth living." -- Socrates

The Worship Team said...

Love the thoughts. :) Truthfully, I think seeing someone's life on a blog makes it look a little "glorified". I too sometimes feel "off-course" or confused about where my life is. Love you!

Mendy said...

i love my friends. i miss being in the SAME PLACE with you all. distance is stupid.

pack - love the all caps. hilarious. i laughed out loud.

kyle - maybe it's not a 30 thing... maybe it's just an "i'm aging and don't like the direction this is going" thing. for men, i suppose it's the thing that makes them buy a sports car and invest in hair plugs. bad idea, by the way, with the hair plugs. i think the hutson boys do it right... just shave it, don't fight it.

meesh - great quote! way to think socratically.

eeks - i miss you, too. yeah, i've never been too great at glorifying the image i project... even when i'm trying to.

shannondg said...

i know how hard it is to feel disconnected...i went through that in january, after leaning my bro and sis-in-law are expecting. i am thrilled for them, but believe in the stephen sondheim lyric that basically states there are 2 things left leaving behind: children, and art. and i'm not making any headway in the children department, so it is time to reconnect with the artist in me. maybe that is what you need to do, too. find the thing that ignites a passion within you and ride that sucker full speed ahead into the next town, the next state, the next universe, etc. it all comes back to your comment to me: curiosity and desire will right the ship, mend. you just have to be on it.

Kelsy said...

It might not bother God, but it drives the English teacher in me crazy! (I'll get over it!)

Keep pushing through on the rest. Somedays the "funk" just overtakes us. Call me sometime when it hits ya and I'll tell you funny stories from Kirk's track meet days to cheer you up!